‘Do you remember when you bought me those Cartier earrings for my thirty-fifth birthday, Nick?’ asked Sophia.
He chuckled lightly. ‘I certainly do. I’ve still got the credit card bill to show for it.’
‘Oh hahahaha!’ said Sophia.
I made a point of not giving Sophia any reason to deem me ‘jealous’ again by looking everywhere but at her. When I happened to glance across at the door, I saw Aidan had just arrived. A waiter showed him to a table in the corner. He had his laptop with him and set it up, catching my eye over the top of it. I watched him order a drink – a beer, I bet, something Italian.
As everyone fawned all over the watch and Rosamund basked in her moment of glory, I began to feel very hot. I became aware of my heart racing and when I took some deep breaths to try to relax, I started noticing my breathing, too, which felt shallow and erratic. Everything went a bit fuzzy and I knew I needed to get out of there. It felt like the beginnings of an anxiety attack, but why, when I hadn’t had one for years?
I pushed my chair back, scraping the legs on the floor, and stood up, gripping the edge of the table for support.
Nick looked up at me, concerned. ‘Everything OK?’
I nodded. ‘Just need some air,’ I blurted, grabbing my cardigan from the back of my chair.
‘Well, don’t be long,’ said Nick, ‘the food will be here in a minute.’
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak and headed forthe door. I didn’t want to catch Aidan’s eye as I left, but it was impossible not to. That’s how it felt, anyway, as though gravity was pulling me towards him. I whipped my eyes away and focused on getting out of there and up on to the roof, where hopefully I would start to feel like myself again.
Chapter Twenty-Four
I leaned on the wall, looking out towards the Arno and the rooftops and then closing my eyes, hoping that would calm my mind. My breathing felt easier, it had done the second I’d stepped out of that dining room. I wiggled my fingers – they felt normal again, not laced with pins and needles like they had been a few moments before.
I took some deep breaths, gulping down the air which felt cleaner up here, as though it was coming straight from the Tuscan hills. Nick’s face kept popping into my head – kind, smiley Nick, not the version I was seeing here in Florence. And then Lou came into my mind for some reason and I remembered what she’d said early on, when I’d first introduced Nick to her. She’d said he seemed nice, but that I didn’t seem anywhere near as happy as I’d been when I talked about Aidan. I’d shrugged it off at the time and had declared what Aidan and I had had toxic. Not real. A brief affair and, of course, those always felt more intense because you hadn’t really had time to learn all the bad stuff about each other. But I was big on first impressions – I trusted them. And it scared me when I remembered how I’d walked into the restaurant that night and had seen Nick sitting there when really, despite my best efforts, it was Aidan I wanted.
‘Hey.’
I turned around, already knowing it was him. His voice was unmistakable; the Home Counties accent with an estuarytwang, the way it seemed to be on a particular frequency so that when he spoke it resonated deep inside me.
I opened my eyes as he came to stand next to me.
‘Are you all right? You looked very pale when you walked past me just now.’
I nodded. ‘I just felt anxious for a minute there. Like I couldn’t breathe.’
Aidan looked concerned. ‘Was it a panic attack? You said you used to get them, right?’
‘Maybe. I haven’t had one for ages, though.’
Aidan nodded. ‘What made you have one today?’
I bit my lip. ‘This trip has been … a lot.’
Aidan leaned on the wall. ‘It has,’ he said.
If I stayed here much longer, I was going to say or do something I’d regret, I knew I was. There was just something about Aidan that made me want to blurt out the truth, even when the most rational part of me was emphatically telling me not to.
‘I have to get back,’ I said. ‘It’s Rosamund and Peter’s actual anniversary today. There’s a big lunch and I—’
‘Have you changed your mind about Nick?’ asked Aidan, his voice gentle.
Before we’d come to Florence, I had been happy. Not in the way I’d been when I’d first met Aidan, when I’d had this constant fluttery feeling in my chest and thought about him every minute of every day and every moment I wasn’t with him was like some kind of torture. I’d never felt like that about Nick, even in the early days. But it had been nice. And uncomplicated.
‘He’s good for me,’ I said.
‘He’s not.’
‘Well, he’s stuck around, so that’s something.’