‘That was before.’
I thought about the fallout from the end of our relationship; how it had affected me. Aidan had felt like a good thing in my life, a special thing, that I couldn’t wait to tell everyone about. And when it all went wrong and I’d had to explain that actually I’d made a mistake, that I hadn’t found the love of my life after all, it had been overwhelming. Utterly humiliating. And I think that in some ways it was why I’d thrown myself back into dating so soon. I’d been trying to convince myself that it didn’t mean I was going to be alone forever, that there was somebody out there for me, there had to be. Whether or not they were the right person didn’t matter in that moment because my goal was to not be alone. And then I’d met Nick.
‘I came to your work, you know,’ said Aidan.
I looked at him, shocked. ‘What? When?’
‘Once things had calmed down and my head was straight. A few weeks after I found out about my parents. I waited for you outside your office. I knew you finished at about five, soI got there early, sat on a bench in that square opposite your building.’
‘And what, you didn’t see me?’
‘I did see you.’
I shook my head, not believing it. He was there, at my office! It could all have turned out so differently.
‘Why didn’t you come over? Say something?’ I asked.
‘Because you were with Nick.’
I thought back, trawling my memories for a time when Nick had met me at work. He didn’t usually because he worked in the city, nowhere near my office. And then it dawned on me. Our second date. The huge bunch of white roses he’d had delivered to my office with a note, asking me on a second date. Dinner at The Ivy.
‘It was only the second time we’d met,’ I said. ‘I wasn’t even going to see him again, because I wasn’t ready to properly date. And I was still thinking about you all the time and didn’t feel I was in the right headspace for it. But then he’d sent flowers to my work, asking me out for dinner that night. I’d had a shit day, Tim had been awful. I’d thought: why not? It’s just dinner.’
‘It felt like you’d moved on pretty quickly,’ he said, looking away, down at the cobbles. ‘And part of me didn’t blame you because I knew I’d messed up by not calling you. I’d shut down, I’d had to, to protect myself.’
‘But the other part of you …?’
‘Thought I’d had a lucky escape. Because, stupidly, I’d imagined that you’d be waiting for me. I’d pictured it all, how I’d come to your work and explain what had happened and how you’d listen and understand and just hold me, like you used to. But then I saw you with him. And this massive bunch of flowers. And it hadn’t even been three weeks. Ieven wondered whether you’d been seeing Nick the entire time you’d been seeing me.’
‘I hadn’t. It’s just what I do – I pretend I don’t care that the person I was relying on most has completely let me down. It’s not like I even wanted to be with someone else, I just had to prove to myself that I could be if I wanted to be.’
Aidan nodded.
‘I assumed I’d pushed you away somehow,’ I continued. ‘And I came to the stupid conclusion that falling for someone that hard is dangerous and that there’s a different kind of love, like what I had with Nick eventually. Slower, gentler. And that maybe that would be easier.’
‘More within your control,’ said Aidan.
I nodded. ‘Yes. Exactly that.’
Somewhere down the street the opening bars of ‘O Mio Babbino Caro’ struck up. A busker on the violin. The two of us came to a stop next to the Donatello statue. It was past eleven thirty now. Where was Daisy?
‘I’m sure she’ll be here any minute,’ said Aidan, reading my mind.
I checked my phone. Nick had not got back to me. Odd. He was only hanging around the hotel, he’d said. He was planning to have a coffee up on the roof with his mum. Maybe he’d left his phone in the room.
‘It’s well past eleven thirty,’ I said, fanning myself with my hand. ‘Why wouldn’t she be here?’
She promised she’d be here on time. What if something terrible had happened?
‘She’s a teenager,’ reasoned Aidan, ‘they lose track of time, don’t they? Isn’t that what happened when they were late for the wine-tasting tour?’
‘Don’t get me started on that. Daisy may be an adolescent,but Nick isn’t. He was supposed to be there so that I didn’t look stupid in front of his family.’
‘Why do you care so much about what they think?’ asked Aidan.
‘I just don’t think they can get their head round the fact that Nick wants to marry someone like me.’
‘And here I am trying to get my head around the fact that you want to marry someone like him.’