The mosthumanshe’s ever looked.
And that’s the moment when I know I have to go through with this.
‘Lucy,’ I say, and her face changes in an instant.
She knows.
I take a deep breath, though I don’t know why. All the oxygen on this planet isn’t going to help me.
‘We need to talk.’
She jumps up at that, grabbing the bedclothes up to herself with one hand, just like she did when I told her I was a vampire. God, was that only a few hours ago? It feels like years.
‘No,’ she says, eyes wide and panicked, ‘No-no-no-no.’ I’ve blindsided her, I know, but this is the only way it’ll work. ‘Don’twe-need-to-talkme. We’re good, aren’t we? I thought everything was good. Y’know, with…’ A blush races up her neck, and I almost have to look away so I don’t cave. ‘Last night. Was I?—?’
‘Perfect,’ I interrupt. ‘You were perfect. Everything about you is, actually. It’s me who’s the problem.’
She doesn’t say anything for a little while, just stares at me, brows furrowed. My eyes catch on the jump of her pulse at her temples, another flush of red across her face.
‘You did not just say that,’ she grits out eventually, eyes narrowed and fixed on me. Ok, that wasn’t a blush. She’s furious.
‘I might not be experienced in these kinds of things, butit’s not you, it’s me? Bram.’
She says my name like I’m a naughty puppy, and I have to say that at the moment, that’s exactly how I feel.
‘That’s not what I meant at all,’ I counter, and I mean to say more, but she cuts me off. A single sentence which cuts a blade straight through my chest.
‘Are you ending this?’
I feel like I’ve been punched in the face. ‘What?’
I heard her perfectly well, but I’m reeling from hearing it out loud, too torn up to form a response. Particularly when she straightens, her mouth flattening into a harsh line.
‘Areyou…’ she snaps, jabbing me lightly in the chest with a finger, ‘endingthis?’ She gestures between us as if I’m too damndense to know what she means, when of course I know what she means. OfcourseI do. I just wasn’t ready to hear either of us say it.
I steel myself. ‘I mean, yes, but it’s not what you think.’
Her eyes drop to the floor, along with my heart.
‘Go on then,’ she says, her voice quieter now, but no less angry. ‘Tell me what I think.’ She pauses a little while but it’s not even long enough to process, never mind form a reply. ‘Never mind, I’ll tell you. That I was a nice distraction for the weekend, but now that you’ve got what you wanted, you’re throwing me away like I’m nothing.’
I rear back at her words. The very idea of it is preposterous. ‘Lucy, no. It’s not like that.’
I hear her sigh, a ragged breath that catches at the end. It’s the same sound she made after we saw Jon with Amy, and I realise that’s what I am now. Just another man who’s disappointed her.
‘Tell me what it’s like,’ she says, her voice so quiet it’s almost a whisper. I can tell by the tension in her jaw that she’s trying not to cry.
‘You’re not nothing.’ I almost reach for her face, but I catch myself just in time. ‘You’re everything.’
When she looks back up at me, her eyes are glistening, a tear tracking down each cheek. It’s enough to abandon this and scoop her up in my arms, but I can’t. I have to go through with it.
‘I mean it,’ I say, fighting my own emotion as best I can. ‘Lucy, you’reeverything.’
‘Then why?’ Her voice breaks on thewhy, the tiniest of sounds, which might as well be a deafening roar, a scream into the void.
‘Because you want a family,’ I say, quietly, ‘and I can’t give that to you.’
She draws in a breath so sharp that I almost feel it. ‘What?’