‘And that’s why,’ I hear my voice say into the darkness, moments before I drift off, ‘I want a family.’
Chapter Twenty-Eight
BRAM
Fuck.
Just when I thought everything was finally working out, Lucy pulls the pin out of a grenade and casually rolls it into our perfect little bubble. And boom. The reality of our situation explodes in front of me.
The worst part of it all is that I should have seen it coming. In fact, I think she might have mentioned it before. It makes total sense: the girl abandoned by her family becomes the woman who craves one.
The one thing I can’t give her.
I watch her as she sleeps, nestled in the crook of my elbow. She fits there so well it’s like she belongs there. But maybe the person she belongs with is the man I would have been. The one who could have given her everything. I’m not him anymore. Ichosenot to be.
Fuck.
This is the entire reason my golden rule exists, and I spent one weekend with Lucy before I totally abandoned it. Though Ithought it was a bad idea to fall for a human because they’re too messy, but Lucy isn’t messy at all, she’s perfect.
The messy one, it turns out, is me.
And now Lucy is going to pay the price. Because however supernatural I am, apparently it’s not enough to stop me thinking like a human and wanting like a human and failing like a human.
I wasn’t lying when I told her all of this was real for me. It was. But that human future that she wants? The kids and grandkids and growing old together? Yeah, I can’t give that to her. And I knew that upfront, obviously, but did I let that stop me?
No, of course I didn’t. Because, as we established earlier, I’m an idiot.
If I wasn’t, I’d have distanced myself from the beautiful creature in my arms as soon as I knew she liked me too. But I didn’t do that. I couldn’t, because being near her made me feel more alive than I remember feeling when Iwasalive. Because I don’t think she even realises it, but Lucy Partridge is a national fucking treasure.
And that’s why I have to do this.
She wants a family. Of course she does. She wants it, and she deserves it. She deserves everything. And I’m going to be the one who lets her have it.
Even if it kills me.
I mean, it won’t, I’m immortal, but still. I can do this for her. I have to tell her.
When she wakes up. I’ll do it when she wakes up.
Until then, I’ll just lie here and regret all my life choices as I savour every last second of having her near me.
Ok, maybe not every last second. It got to around eight-thirty before the self-loathing got too much, and I had to get up and make a cup of tea. It’s just around nine now, and I’m perching on the end of the bed and swirling the dregs of it around the bottom of the mug while I listen to Lucy’s soft, raspy breaths behind me.
I thought I’d be able to distract myself from the shitshow I’m about to create with the usually stunning view out of the window, but the weather today matches my mood: shit.
It’s dreary and it’s grey, and I’m not sure if it’s actually raining or if everything is just generally a bit damp the way it often is here at this time of the year. All in all, it’s the perfect weather for breaking someone’s heart.
God, I hate myself already. Good job she’s still asleep.
‘Bram?’
Well, so much for that.
I brace myself before I turn around, and it’s a good job I do, because when I see her it feels like I’ve been hit in the chest with a sledgehammer. I have loved every incarnation of her I’ve seen so far, but sleepy, satisfied Lucy is the bestof them all.
I commit every inch of her to memory: those blue eyes, sleep-rimmed and hooded; a mad thatch of curls sticking up every which way; the light etch of pillow indentations on one cheek; swollen lips that hitch into a bright smile as our eyes meet.
It’s the most beautiful she’s ever looked.