Rowan nodded. “I’ll leave you to it. Let me know if you need help.”
“Thanks,” I said, and I meant it. I didn’t need him to cook my dinner. And I definitely didn’t need him to listen to my problems. They were embarrassing enough for me alone. I wasn’t sharing that burden with anyone if I could help it.
I cooked, I ate, and I packed Jason’s lesson for the evening. It was only as I walked toward the library that I let myself worry a little. I knew it would be awkward as hell, but I had to keep it cool. So long as Jason didn’t try to yap his way through the awkwardness, I might be able to survive this. But if he started joking and rambling without an end in sight, I might just crack and say some things that were better left unsaid.
As I walked, I grew flustered and frustrated at once. He would joke around until I lost it. And then I wouldtell him just how crappy of a move that had been, kissing someone when you’re way out of their league, then apologizing and running away.
I set up everything on the usual desk at the library, pretending to be busy and not obsessively looking at the big entrance door on the far end, beyond all the bookshelves.
There was no pretending otherwise; I was nervous. I was nervous about seeing him in the flesh after last night. I was worried I would be too weak, too obvious, too invested at this point.
But in the end, I worried for nothing. Jason didn’t make it awkward tonight. He didn’t make it at all. And the asshole hadn’t even let me know he wouldn’t come, so I got myself busy with my own work before finally gathering my things and returning to the Thinkers’ House.
“How did it go?” Rowan asked in passing as I climbed the stairs to my room.
“Awesome,” I said.
He thumped quickly down the stairs and waved me goodbye. “That’s great to hear, B.” And with that, he picked up his jacket and disappeared.
I tossed my things inside my room and sat on the edge of my bed, folding my lips and giving myself a moment to think. This wasn’t terrible. There were worse things that could have happened.
He could have come, and I could have said something stupid like, “Please, kiss me again. I’m begging you.”
Besides, if he pulled out of this agreement, I was free to pursue any other activity. Professor Colby couldn’t make me give Jason lessons if Jason wasn’t there. And tonight still counted toward my volunteering hours. I’d take it to the Supreme Court if I had to.
Jason was freeing me from a bad arrangement. That was a good thing, right? So what if passing by his house would forever be a mortifying experience of anticipation and dread? So what if I spent the rest of my days at Elmwood worrying I’d cross paths with his shirtless figure and grinning face? There were other ways I could take. I’d already done that today, walking the way around to the library so I wouldn’t have to pass by his house.
Things were just fine this way.
And if he got benched for not passing Stats, well… Well, that wasn’t my problem at all.
It wasn’t.
But it was his dream to play football and to get into management after college.
You don’t owe him, a voice said.If he doesn’t want to have you tutor him, that’s on him.
But another voice joined the first, arguing inside my head. Jason lived for football. Didn’t I have a responsibility to try a little harder? It was so like me to shut down and cut my feelings off. It was easy. It hurt less than feeling and getting disappointed.
So I let the voices argue, sprawling on my bed and staring at the ceiling, wishing I could just cry becausethe pressure was becoming unbearable. God damn him and his sexy lips.
If he hadn’t given me a taste, I’d never know what I was missing. As things were, I could only suffer until it inevitably faded and disappeared from my memory.
Let him drop out. Let him be benched. Let him feel the consequences of his own actions. Why should I care?
Yet, even as I drew all the spite I could from the depths of my chest, I was packing again.
CHAPTER NINE
bennet
I steppedinto the cold evening chill without thinking. My backpack was filled with only the necessary things for a quick session, and I walked a few hundred paces down the curving street, then looked up.
Jason’s pride flag glowed with the warm light of his room. I walked to the door and almost pressed the doorbell, then remembered Peanut. I turned the knob, and the door opened.
Stepping into someone’s house uninvited felt like intruding, but as I did, a couple of guys looked at the door, unbothered. “Hey,” one of them said. He wore a matching hoodie and sweatpants, but that didn’t mean anything. Guys like this wore the same clothes regardless of whether they were staying in, heading to the gym, or meeting the president. “What’s up?”
“Um, hi,” I said, clearing my throat. “Looking for Jason. Is he in?”