I stared at him. The lake behind him looked black, broken only by the wind cutting small waves across the surface. The cold bit through my jacket. None of it came close to the chill pooling in my chest.
“You think I did that to hurt you,” I said.
He glared at me. “You did.”
“No,” I said. My own anger flared, sudden and sharp. “I did it because I fell in love with him. I didn’t know what that meant, but I knew I wanted him in a way I never wanted you. I’m sorry that hurt you, Nick. I am. But that was always going to be the truth.”
He flinched like I had hit him. For a second, his mouth opened, then closed again. His hands balled at his sides. His shoulders shook once. “So that’s it,” he said quietly. “You loved my brother. Got it.”
“I didn’t say it to be cruel,” I said. My voice lowered without my permission. “I’m telling you what you already knew.”
His eyes flashed. “You don’t get it. You walked away from me, fine. You walked toward him, fine. But then you kept living your life like you were the only one who lost something.”
I frowned. “What do you think I lost, Nick?”
He sucked in a breath like he was trying not to choke on it. “You lost nothing. That’s the point. You had scouts. You had the team. You had Seth. You had everyone looking at you like you were some gift. I got to be the bitter one. The jealous one. The asshole ex. I had one thing, and it was hating you. That is what I had left.”
“That was your choice,” I said. “You could’ve moved on.” Besides, I’d never had Seth. Seth had been a fleeting, wonderful, temporary thing in my life, there to be appreciated the way you appreciated a butterfly’s colorful wings. You couldn’t take it for yourself. You had to simply pause and enjoy it.
“I tried.” His voice climbed again, raw and thin. “I tried with Silas. He was good to me. He was patient. He listened. And I still found a way to drag you into every fight. Every insecurity. Every time I thought he was pulling away, I blamed you. I blamed you for messing me up. For making me trust nobody.”
The word hung between us.
“You did that,” I said. “Not me. Not Seth. You.”
His shoulders slumped. Some of the fight bled out of his posture. For the first time, he didn’t look like an enemy. He just looked tired.
“I know,” he said. “I know I did. I weaponized you so I would never have to admit I was afraid.”
“Afraid of what?” I asked.
He dragged a hand through his hair. The wind pushed it right back into his face. He didn’t bother fixing it. “Afraid of being second choice. Again. To you. To Seth. To hockey. To anything. It was easier to hate you than to look at myself and see what needed fixing.”
I swallowed. “You were never second choice.”
His eyes snapped to mine, sharp, disbelieving. “You just told me you never loved me.”
“I didn’t say you didn’t matter,” I replied. “I cared about you. I just didn’t know how to do it right. I was a kid who didn’t want to hurt anyone and ended up hurting everyone. You. Seth. Myself. That’s not some grand confession. It’s just the truth.”
He stared at me for a long time, chest rising and falling in harsh beats. The path around us had gone quiet. The people who had been out earlier had retreated, leaving us alone with the wind and the distant splash of water hitting the rocks.
“You changed,” Nick said finally. His voice had lost its edge. “Somewhere along the way. You grew up. I never noticed it because I was too busy seeing the person you used to be.”
“That works both ways,” I said. “I’ve been seeing you as the guy who ruined my chances with scouts and spread shit about me in high school. I didn’t see the guy who’s standing here now, telling me he had his heart broken twice and maybe played a part in both.”
His mouth twisted. “That is generous.”
“Truth usually is,” I said. “Doesn’t make it easy.”
He let out a shaky breath. “So what do we do now? Shake hands and pretend the last million years didn’t happen?”
“No,” I said. “We don’t pretend anything. I’m done pretending.”
He watched me, guarded. “Then what?”
“We stop using each other as an excuse,” I said. “You stop blaming me for everything that goes wrong in your life. I stop blaming you for all the shit I’m afraid to face. We stop acting like this feud is inevitable.”
“And Seth?” he asked.