“So when we went to games and Nick thought I was there to watch him play, you told him the truth?” I asked.
Silas shook his head. “Only last week. It was a joke, Seth. I let it slip when I was teasing him.”
He went quiet again, silence stretching endlessly, as I let the pieces fall into place. Nick. He’d never brought a girl home, yet I’d always assumed that he was straight because why the fuck wouldn’t he tell me? Why the fuck would he have left me to struggle with accepting my own sexuality when he was well aware I wasn’t alone?
“I think I love him,” Silas said. “Fuck, Seth, I think I do.”
“Great. Hope he treats you better than his own brother.”
Silas bit back a whimper that almost escaped him. He looked at me with tears in his eyes, and I couldn’t be cruel anymore. I just couldn’t, no matter how much I wanted him to feel a bit of the pain that I felt. “I’m really sorry, Seth. There’s nothing I can say to make it right, but I can try hard to change his mind about you and Damon.”
Then, I laughed. It was a desperate laugh, terrifying for the absence of humor. “You didn’t think that I had a reason to keep Damon a secret, Silas. Nick willneverunderstand. He broke Damon’s collarbone on purpose. Did you know that? He rammed into him so hard because he wanted to break him.”
“They were kids,” Silas said as if that excused my brother.
I sucked my teeth and began to turn away from Silas.
“Seth?” he said, voice timid.
“Yeah?”
“I was a shit friend to you. I regret it. I hope, even though I don’t deserve it, that you’ll be better than me and forgive me.”
Yet I knew, deep in my heart, that knowledge existed, that he hadn’t done anything out of malice or spite. He was just who he was, chaotic, a little careless, but entirely good-natured. And hating him for it was impossible.
“I forgive you, Silas. It’ll just take some time before I forget,” I said honestly.
“Thank you,” he said, relief so strong in his voice that it scared me. “Thank you, Seth. And I’ll try my best, I promise. I’ll make him change his mind. We can fix this.”
I shook my head. “He broke it, Silas, but I was the one who threw the pieces away. There’s nothing there to fix.”
And with that, I got up and went into the bathroom, pretending I was brushing my teeth. I stared at the mirror and let all the regrets and mistakes settle inside of me, like freshly poured concrete.
The look on Damon’s face after Nick had clashed with him tonight and told him something, some words that made him freeze completely. The way they both searched for me in the crowd. The satisfaction on Nick’s face after he’d skated away. And the total absence of hope on Damon’s face. All these things etched themselves inside my brain, forming synapses that would never go away, immortalizing the night I lost him.
Because I had lost him then. I could see it on his face. I could see him dying a little after Nick had spoken to him. All my hope that we could maybe sail through this inevitable storm had drowned when Damon’s gaze found me.
Nick satby the window in the café when I stepped inside, coffee already in front of him. I ordered mine and carried it to the table, sitting down without a greeting. “What do you want?” I asked.
“To talk,” Nick said bluntly.
I’d spent the whole day yesterday pretending the world wasn’t spinning around me. I’d gone to the library, kept myself busy, kept the walls up against the grief and regrets battering against my shields. Reading and taking notes had helped just enough to get me through the morning, but I’d spent the rest of the day in my bed, doomscrolling to dull whatever it was that I felt.
There was so much resentment in me that I felt like I poisoned every room I entered. I poisoned myself with every breath.
“Yeah, your sweetheart said so,” I spat. “He said I should hear you out.”
Nick shifted uncomfortably. This was the first time in our lives that we faced one another without secrets standing between us. I didn’t like it. It wasn’t even a little liberating to know that Nick was gay or to have nothing to hide from him because he knew everything.
“Very happy for you,” I said. “Love is love is love and all that.”
Nick swallowed, not looking at me, and leaned back in his chair. “I know what you think about me, Seth. You think I’m a smart-ass. You think I’m controlling. But what you don’t realize is that I’m just trying to protect you.”
I dusted my hands theatrically. “Job well done. Nothing to protect me from, Nick. Is that it, then?” I leaned to the side as if to get up.
He shot me a judgmental look that should have always been a dead giveaway. No straight guy could pull offthatside-eye. “Sit down, Seth. You’re acting like a child.”
I laughed bitterly and crossed my arms. “I honestly thought you had something nice to say to me, Nick. Silas was so confident in this. Oh, he’s gonna love this.”