Just as I’m contemplating a rather delicious fantasy of Jade topless in a black G-string, my phone vibrates. Oooh, speak of the she-devil and with mere minutes to spare ...
‘Sebastian Burns. Devil at your service,’ I answer in a smooth, seductive tone that typically turns women’s fannies to molten lava.
There’s a lengthy silence.
‘I know it’s you, Jade,’ I say after the silence becomes strained.
‘Oh.’ There’s another long pause.
‘Look, you don’t have to feel embarrassed about calling me. It happens all the time. It’s natural for people to change their minds after they’ve gone away and thought about it. And it is a big decision. But I hope I can put your mind at ease by saying the hard part’s over.’
I glance down at my swelling crotch.Well, maybe not entirely over ...
Jade clears her throat on the other end of the line with a soft ahem sound, as if she’s picked up on my pun. But my mindless prattle seems to have loosened her tongue at least.
‘It’s just ... I was wondering if there was any kind of workaround available?’
‘Workaround?’ I echo. ‘What do you mean?’
There’s a deep sigh. ‘I mean, I’ve never done it before, and I’m not sure that my first time should be with a devil. I was kind of saving myself, you know, for my husband.’
Now it’s my turn to be silent. What the fuck? This is the twenty-first century, not the eighteenth! But I don’t want her to hang up on me now that I’ve got her interested. I still need sixteen souls to fill my quota for the month.
I pinch the bridge of my nose with my fingertips. ‘Do you have someone in mind, Jade?’
‘Um, no. But I’m sure he’s out there somewhere.’
Yeah, her fantasy Tube guy.
‘Can’t I do something else that doesn’t involve sex? I’m happy to clean your house...’
‘No, I’m afraid not,’ I interject quickly before she starts making up new rules. ‘It’s coitus or nothing. That’s how it works.’
A snigger emits down the line. ‘Coitus? What century are you in?’
‘Well, if you prefer ... doing the bone dance, hiding the sausage, boot knocking, Netflix and chill, shaking the sheets, horizontal refreshment...’
Jade laughs fully. ‘You’re ridiculous.’
I grin. ‘I aim to amuse.’
‘Oh well, it was worth a shot.’ She sounds disappointed. ‘I really do want a better life, and I was willing to sell my soul for it. But I can’t compromise my principles. It’s a pity we can’t just hang out and chat. That would be cool.’
Funnily enough, that does actually sound cool. I get sick of propositioning people for sex and having them reject me. I’m beginning to get an inferiority complex ...
Dammit, I can feel myself weakening. And that’s not going to win me any points with the Prince of Darkness below. This is why I’ve been demoted—I’m too kind-hearted for my own good.
I sigh. ‘Fine, you can give me a back massage. But it has to be at least an hour long.’
Jade squeals loudly in glee, and I wince, holding the phone away from my ear. ‘Thank you so much, Sebastian!’
‘Humph,’ I say but smile a little at her enthusiasm. ‘I should warn you, there’s a catch, though. I can’t give you the full two-week taster of a new life. You’ll get a lower-level experience for a week because we’re not sealing the deal. But that also means youdon’t have to sell your soul. Not yet anyway. It’s more like a try before you buy.’
‘That’s great! I’ll take it,’ she says breathlessly.
‘You say that now. But don’t blame me if you hate it,’ I caution. ‘I’ve only got so much wiggle room with these things.’
‘I won’t. Thank you, thank you! Anything to have a break from this craphole life.’