1
JADE
Pushingopenthedoorto the Cat & Cauldron, I step into blessed warmth and the comforting aroma of coffee. Though the evenings are growing lighter, spring is yet to make an appearance in my East London neighbourhood. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m convinced people in other nicer parts of London are already enjoying good weather, while I have to suffer with the rain and cold.
Removing my purple woollen gloves, I glance around the low-lit café with its black booth-style seating and rustic red brick walls strung with fairy lights. I’m not sure what it is, but this café has a strange vibe I can’t quite put my finger on. I’ve been in here a few times, and I get all tingly as soon as I step through the door. Still, I don’t mind the weirdness since they do a good, cheap latte. They also don’t seem to care if people use laptops, hold business meetings or, hopefully in my case, life coaching sessions.
I almost didn’t come. My energy levels are low after a godawful day of being polite to a bunch of arseholes in my telemarketingjob. The last thing I feel like doing is telling a complete stranger how shit my life is and that I can’t seem to have a relationship that lasts longer than three months. What I really want to do is head straight home to my crappy flat for a hot bath, a microwave meal, and Netflix.
But since I’ve gone to the effort of making this appointment, I’m bloody well going through with it even if I’m not expecting much. Sebastian Burns (a life coach I found in the deepest recesses of the internet) is charging me £50 for this session, which is a little pricey. He had good reviews on Trustpilot though, and I figure I’ve got nothing to lose. If worse comes to worst and he has nothing insightful to offer, I suppose I can bleat in his ear and use him as a sounding board. But it will be a waste of fifty quid, and really annoying, as I could get the same effect by having a one-sided conversation with a cushion on my couch.
Anyway, I’ll give him an hour of my time and see if he can help me better myself. Ideally, I’d like a life without dickwads screaming at me through my earpiece, having six locks on my flat door, or putting up with losers I’ve met through internet dating sites ...
My roving eyes alight on a business-suited guy in one of the booths with his back to me. He’s typing rapidly on his laptop as if his life depended on it. I look away, studying the other customers. But they consist of a couple of middle-aged ladies chatting over muffins and a hipster in headphones sipping a flat white at his laptop. None of them fit the life coach description I have in my head. I can’t resist looking back at the guy again.AreyouSebastian Burns?I wonder.
He’s the likeliest of the bunch, and I’m hoping he is because I’m intrigued by what I can see of his face from this angle. The guy glances around, feeling the weight of my stare, and we lock eyes. His are tawny brown and ... Oh shit, no, that can’t be him.He’swaytoo gorgeous to be a life coach. Sexy things like him don’t happen to plain little me.
I shuffle past with my head down, a faint blush blooming on my cheeks. I’ll order a latte and wait for someone less obviously attractive—
‘Excuse me?’
I whip my head around at the deep velvety tone, and it’s THE GUY. He’s emerged from the booth and is staring at me enquiringly. Oh my god, he’s insanely hot—tall, broad-shouldered, and dressed like he’s stepped off a runway; smoke-grey pinstripe suit with matching waistcoat, a white shirt, and a patterned dark-green tie. His meticulously styled thick dark hair is awash with succulent caramel highlights. He’s abso-fucking-lutely droolworthy.
Did I drop a glove? That’s all it must be for this supremely handsome vision to be giving me the time of day.
He smiles, showing off a set of perfect white teeth. ‘Are you Jade Jameson by any chance? Here for a life coaching session?’ he says. A jolt goes through me. No fucking way.HeisSebastian Burns.
‘Y-yes?’ I stutter.
‘Great!’ He gestures to his laptop. ‘I’m just finishing up a report. Did you want to grab a coffee and meet me back here?’
I give him a nod and slink off to order a latte, heart pounding hard at my good fortune. But then I groan inwardly at what this means. Sebastian Burns is a Tube guy. You know, one of those designer-suited guys you see lounging on the Tube who ooze confidence and sex appeal. You sneak surreptitious glances at their chiselled cheekbones while pretending to look at the advertising, knowing that never in a million years would they go out with someone like you. Maybe only if they had their eyes pecked out by a raven, and even then, they’d probably still say no if you asked them.
Now I’ve got to sit in front of this gorgeous example of manhood for the next hour and spill the story of my pitiful life and get advice on how to rectify it. Oh the shame! He wears gold cufflinks, for God’s sake, and I haven’t even bothered to put on a clean top or lipstick. This is going to be hellish torture!
2
SEBASTIAN
‘Nicesuit.’
I glance across the table to see Jade covertly checking me out whilst sipping her coffee. A smile tugs at the corner of my lips, but I keep a perfectly straight face. This is going to be the equivalent of taking candy from a baby, but I need to maintain a professional demeanour at all times.
‘Thanks. It’s Gucci, last season,’ I say, dropping my eyes to my laptop and tapping away on the keypad. ‘I’ll finish up these notes, and we can get started.’
I haven’t really got any notes as such. I’m typing gobbledygook, but it sounds good, and it matches my cover story: Sebastian Burns, life coach. If she knew what I really was ... Well, I don’t want to scare her off this early in the game.
‘Your tie has pitchforks on it. Cute,’ Jade says in an overly bright tone.
‘It does,’ I reply, continuing to type and not looking up.
‘W-was it a birthday present?’ Her voice wavers, and I can tell she’s one of those women who nervously spout random chitter-chatter when they’re around attractive men. Of course she’s nervous in my presence. She’s only ever drooled over men like me from a distance. Well, Jade Jameson, today is your lucky day. You get to spend a whole hour with your fantasy man.
‘It’s a set,’ I drawl, keeping my eyes on the screen. ‘I’m also wearing pitchfork boxer briefs. Calvin Klein. Extra large.’
There’s a heavy silence, and I glance up to discover Jade staring at me with red cheeks. Excellent. She’s already wondering what my cock looks like. Little does she know that said cock is standing to attention under the table and ready for action.
I clear my throat. ‘Now that the size of my penis has been established, we should probably make a start.’