Right up until I’d decided I didn’t want to move anymore. Ever.
And then, during my recovery at Oak Hill, my flight from my mom’s house, the struggle to build a life of my own… well, then I was moving to stay alive all over again.
“I had a feeling you’d understand,” Nolan finally said.
“What else do you do to keep moving?” I was surprised to find that I was genuinely curious, that I wasn’t just making small talk to pass the time until I could flee the hot tub, escape to the safety and privacy of my room.
I was mesmerized by the beads of water on his lips as he leaned back against the edge of the hot tub. I wondered what would happen if I waded through the water, licked them off with the tip of my tongue…
Holy mother of intrusive thoughts.
“There’s the stuff you’ve probably guessed,” he said. “Hang gliding, white-water rafting in the summer, base jumping…”
“What’s base jumping?” I’d heard of it but my mind drew a blank when I tried to call up an image of the activity.
“It’s like skydiving but you jump off a tall stationary object, like a building or a bridge.”
He said it casually but my stomach twisted at the thought. “You do that with a parachute? Voluntarily?”
He laughed and I felt it all the way to my toes. And in other places I tried to ignore.
(Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your steadfast love; according to the multitude of Your tender mercy and loving-kindness blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and guilt and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin.)
Speaking of intrusive thoughts. I shook my head to clear it of the prayer.
“Yeah, we do it voluntarily,” he said. “It’s a legit sport.”
“But… you can’t have much time to pull the… rip cord?”
He nodded. “That’s part of the fun.”
“You find danger fun.” I wasn’t asking.
“Rafe finds danger fun. I’d call it something else.” Nolan seemed to think about it. “Invigorating maybe?”
“Invigorating,” I repeated.
He smiled. “You think I’m — we’re — crazy.”
“Sounds more like you have a death wish,” I said.
He sucked in a breath of air. “Wow, you really don’t pull any punches, do you?”
I shrugged. “Just calling it like I see it.”
Something dark and complicated passed over his features. “Maybe it’s one of the ways we exorcise our demons.”
“Funny,” I said, “I thought you were the demons.”
His nod was slow. “I can understand why you feel that way.”
I took a deep breath, the question I’d been dying to ask — the one that came up every time Nolan carefully placed his stethoscope on my chest, the one screaming to get out when he felt my pulse with tender fingertips — on the tip of my tongue.
“Why did you do it?” I hated that I sounded so… wounded. I’d wanted to sound strong when I finally asked the question.
They’d hurt me enough.
He took a deep breath, moved the roiling water around with his hands as his expression grew pained. “I’ll tell you, but it’s going to sound stupid.”