“Not if you’re with the right person.”
“Finding the right person takes too much time.”
“I guess you’re right.” He turns back on his side, curling up. “Will you read to me for a little while?”
My mind is everywhere but the book as I read, yet I keep speaking the words that my eyes cross.
I think about this relationship with Cassius, and how it’s different from what I wanted and what I’ve done before. We aren’t sticking to what I normally do with my slaves. He’s right when he says he isn’t very good at it, and it’s not that he’s bad, he just needs more discipline. Yet, not a single part of me wants todiscipline him. What we have works. I enjoy it. I’ve had my days when I need him in line more than others, but mostly, I enjoy his free spirit. I like that he questions things, that he does what he wants to do, that he is proudly himself. I feel like, maybe, through him, part of me is free too.
Because he’s right. When you’re with the right person, it’s okay to let your guard down. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay not to follow the rules. Something about Cassius makes me feel comfortable enough to do that, and I knew it from day one. I knew it, and I let him in anyway, knowing it was a mistake. Yet, each day, it doesn’t feel like a mistake. Each day, I look forward to him coming here more and more, and in different ways. It’s not only about the control anymore, I can’t deny that, though I do still crave it. I need it, it’s just not the same. There’s something else I want from him, something I can’t quite put a name on yet…
I get through the chapter, put the book down, and check my phone for the time.
“Cassius,” I say gently, brushing the hair off his forehead. I repeat his name when he doesn’t answer, and his eyes pop open. “It’s getting late.”
He takes a deep breath, then sits up. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“Don’t apologize for that.” I get to my feet. “Or for anything else.” I offer him my hand and help him to his feet. “Even if I make it seem like you need to, don’t apologize for being you. I may never admit this again, but I enjoy it.”
He smirks, then moves past me toward the door.
“Cassius?” I call.
He turns to look at me. I walk to him until we’re a foot apart.
“I’ve been on the fence about asking you, so I’m just going to do it.”
“Okay?”
“I have to travel in a couple of weeks. I was hoping you’d come with me.”
“Oh, I, uh—”
I hold my hand up. “You don’t have to give me an answer now. You have plenty of time to think about it.”
“I appreciate the offer, but I don’t think I can. This stuff going on with my family right now… I can’t leave my sisters.”
I tell myself it’s disappointment I feel, but it’s much more dangerous than that.
I take a step closer. “Is there something I can help with?”
“Not unless you know a hit man.” I frown, and he quickly says. “Sorry, I’m joking. I didn’t mean that.”
“Then tell me what you meant,” I say.
“It’s nothing. Really, I shouldn’t have made that joke.”
“Is someone bothering you?”
“It’s… nothing. Really. You’re the one who said you didn’t want personal stuff, remember?”
He walks off, and after a moment, I shake out of it and go after him. I grab his arm and he comes to a stop.
“I’ve changed my mind. Tell me what’s going on.”
His eyes narrow, but he turns to face me, so I let go of his arm.
“I’ll tell you on one condition,” he says with a smirk.