“It started out that way, but I worked through that. I don’t know why I feel this way. It goes away when I’m around her, but then when I fall asleep, I ...”
“What happens when you fall asleep?”
“I had a nightmare.”
She jerked back, all signs of frustration vanishing from her body. Mom’s voice was soft when she spoke again. “Is that why you’re here?”
“I don’t know.”
“You haven’t had nightmares since your dad died.”
Just hearing her mention him made me flinch. “That was a long time ago.”
“You’ve had a lot of life changes. And you’re about to be a father. Is that maybe why?”
I shook my head. “It has to do with Grace. Definitely her.”
“But you care about her, so what’s the problem? This is your happily ever after!”
Those were the words that finally broke me. My chest tightened. “People don’t get those, Mom.”
“Yes, they do. You’re almost there! God, Dean, what’s the worst that could happen if you let yourself have love?”
“I could lose her!” I finally snapped.
Once the words were out there, they became real. Images flashed through my mind. Ones I tried not to think of. They were the ones I’d seen in my nightmare.
Her lying on the clinic bed, but this time she was far toopale. I saw Mom falling to the floor when she got the news of Dad dying, but this time, I went with her.
And there it was. The real fear. The one that I’d been hiding from myself. I’d unlocked it, and I only felt worse. Fuck, she was pregnant. So much could go wrong.
Mom gasped at the words, eyes going wide. “That’s what you’re scared of?” she asked softly. “Dean ...”
“I can’t,” I said, shaking my head. “Don’t tell me I should push past it. Not when I saw what losing Dad did to you.”
Her eyes shut and her head fell to her chest. I looked away, knowing I shouldn’t have brought Dad into this. I didn’t want to hurt her, so I always stayed away from the topic entirely. Mentioning him in passing was one thing, but that day, the worst day, was banned for me.
Until now.
“Dean, that was the hardest day of my life,” she said. “But I lived. And I’m okay now.”
“No one is okay after something like that.”
“It doesn’t feel like you ever will be. But it happens.”
“You can’t honestly tell me you would go through losing Dad again if you had the choice.”
“But I would,” she said. “I would do it a hundred times.”
I shook my head, unable to believe her. “Why?”
Mom stepped forward and grabbed my hands. “Because loving him was better than losing him. If I hadn’t, I would have always wondered what could have been. But now I don’t. Ilovedmy time with your father. I’d go through the day I found out he was gone a hundred times for the years I had with him.”
“You would?”
“Yes, I would.” Her gaze was steady. “Welived, honey. All those days were more important than the last one.”
The words made my throat close up, and I had to turn away. Maybe I hadn’t avoided this topic just for her.