Caleb drops his hand from my face. His whole body tenses beside mine. “What are you saying, Isla?”
“I know how I feel about you. I know I’m going to continue to see you. I don’t have any fears about that changing. So I want to tell The Downforce Network about us. And I want to go public.”
The last sentence just came out of my mouth. I had only planned on discussing The Downforce Network, but as I’m sitting here, thinking about what we are doing, I don’t want to hide. I want to go out to dinner. Take a walk. I don’t want tobe checking around corners and darting around lobbies with my heart pounding in my chest, hoping I’m not noticed.
I want to be with Caleb. Whenever and wherever I can.
I study his face. He’s gone white.
“We talked about this,” Caleb says. “We agreed to keep it quiet.”
“Yes, we did, when we were figuring out what we were going to be. I’m not saying it can’t be quiet—I don’t plan to go on my Connectivity account and throw up a video of us, if that’s what you mean. But I feel like I’m sitting on a lit stick of dynamite that will blow up in my face at work if I don’t get ahead of it.”
“No. Absolutely not,” he says firmly.
“No?” I ask, surprised and a little irritated. “No discussion? You just decide no and that’s it?”
“Isla. You promised me you were okay with this. This is what we both agreed to do.”
“Yes, but I also didn’t think it was going to be for months on end,” I challenge. “My career will be on the line regardless of when I tell them I’m seeing you. Don’t you think the longer I wait, the worse it’s going to be for me? Or what if someone spots us and posts a pic of us? What would that do to my credibility with them? It would be shit, that’s what it would be.”
Caleb is silent. I can tell he knows I’m right. But then I see something fierce flash in his eyes. I suck in a breath. I’ve seen that look before. It’s when he’s sitting in his car, lined up on the grid, and he flips his visor down before they do the formation lap.
He’s prepared to fight me, just like he prepares to fight on the track.
“There’s more on the line than your job,” Caleb says, pacing across the living room.
I stand up. “Well, right now my job is the pressing thing that’s on the line,” I say, anger creeping into my voice. “My dadeven tried to dissuade me from seeing you because of that fact. He said I was going to throw my career away for a chance with you!”
Shit, shit, shit! I did not mean for that to come out right now!
Caleb jerks his head up. “What did you just say?”
I exhale before speaking. There’s no going back now, and I need to come clean about that conversation with my dad. “Before I left for London, he warned me that I was risking my career for you, but I told him I knew what I was doing. And I still do. I’m going to be with you, but I have to inform the network.”
“No,” Caleb says angrily. “You promised me you wouldn’t do this.” He puts his hands on his head, tugging at his hair as if he wants to rip it out in frustration. “You promised me. You promised me you were okay with this.”
“I didn’t promise to stay secret forever. Is that what you want?”
Caleb snorts, and my anger flares from the sarcastic sound.
“Okay. So how long did you have in mind? For months and months? Do you still want me slipping into your hotel room after the summer break? Hiding behind potted palms in lobbies, praying the coast will be clear before I can sneak onto an elevator? Fighting nerves and anxiety that I’m going to be spotted? When is the right time? At the Las Vegas Grand Prix in November? Or next season?”
“Now you’re being stupid,” he snaps.
And now he’s pissing me off. “What date on the calendar didyoudecide would be our soft launch, then?” I retort.
His jaw sets, as if he’s clenching it to keep from saying something he’d regret.
“Is that how our relationship is going to work?” I press. “You’re going to make decisions for me? Because you should know me well enough by now to know I’m NOT okay with that.”
“Of course not,” he answers, his voice laced with irritation.
“I came here tonight to discuss this with you. To explain why we need to move forward for the sake of my career. But you aren’t even hearing me, Caleb.”
“I hear you!” he suddenly shouts, and it’s so forceful, I nearly take a step back. It’s so unlike the man I know. “I am trying toprotectyou, why can’t you see that? It’s not just your job at stake. It’syou!It’s your mental health I’m bloody worried about! What is about to hit you coulddestroyyou. I’veseenit. It’s the media and social media and fans, and I will not stand by and let them rip you apart!”
I stare at him, stunned.I’ve seen it,he said.