I don’t know what came over me.
Me
You like me, just admit it.
Eli
I will pick you up tomorrow at eleven, or if you want to go separately, I won’t be offended.
Me
I will be offended if you don’t pick me up.
Eli
See you tomorrow then.
Me
Are you even reading my replies?
My text goes from delivered to read in the blink of an eye, and of course, I know he’s read them, but he’s avoiding me.
I’m not sure how we went from nothing to him kissing me and then back to where we started in just a few hours, but this is the sticky spot we’re in now. If it means forcing him to admit he likes me, then I’ll do it.
Getting people to step outside their comfort zone is what I specialize in.
My parents always taught me to take risks in life and try new things, even if it didn’t go the way I wanted, so I make the most insane, over-the-top declaration of admiration I’ve ever made.
Me
I like you, and I get the impression you like me too; otherwise, you wouldn’t have kissed me today. I think you’re too scared to admit how you feel. But fear of the unknown and fear of your feelings doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Running away doesn’t help either because it will catch up with you eventually and you’ll regret never taking the jump into the unknown. And I get it, you’re guarded. I also know that dealing with someone like me, who is expressive and wears her heart on her sleeve, might make you feel like your emotions are confusing or possibly more complicated to manage because I’m a lot. Often too much for some people. But I like you, Eli. More than you realize.
I almost give up hope as a long stretch of time passes before bubbles start dancing on the screen, showing me he’s responding.
Nervous anticipation builds as I re-read our message thread, my knee bouncing from jitters, with dopamine and oxytocin firing like fireworks through my veins.
Eli
You’re not too much.
I’m not too much.
I smile uncontrollably and he has no idea how much four little words mean to me.
When that’s all I’ve ever felt. Too much.
Growing up, I’ve always been the anomaly, the girl who started life out in the desert with eccentric parents and even wilder clothes. When I first started my business, I began to doubt myself, thinking my dresses were too bright, or that I talked too much, and that my idea to launch a holistic events company might be too ambitious and could fall flat. Still, after my first speaking invitation, which I landed when a guy named Mark from a small Silicon Valley company saw my YouTube channel, where I shared advice and tips on motivating staff in mainstream office settings, that experience changed my life.
On the outside, I might seem bold and unbothered, but I question myself every day. I exude confidence, there’s no doubt about that, but those old thoughts that swirl in my mind about where I came from, who I am, and my bubbly personality, which people either love or hate, pop up again. It’s a persistent feeling that no matter how many cord-cutting meditations I do, they still stick to me like Velcro. I’m not sure I will ever be able to shake them off.
If Eli is scared to admit how he feels, I’m petrified I might have misread the situation and blown it entirely because he still hasn’t confirmed whether he likes me more than just as an associate.
Girls at school disliked me just for being myself, and several boyfriends tried to change me as soon as we started dating. They attempted to suppress my spirit and water me down. Those relationships never ended well, which is why I’m still single.
There’s fear within me, not just from rejection, but I’m protecting myself from someone trying to smother my fire and dim who I am.
Sitting up straighter in my bed, I cross my legs and lean over my phone, needing more of his reassurance to confirm that I’m not just imagining the tension growing between us.