“That’s helpful to know, Eli. There will always be fluctuations, and that’s to be expected. Last week, we mentioned reducing aligning, and ordering your desk before you left for meetings. Do you want to focus on that again?”
Today I’ve managed to leave the files on my desk. Even the pen isn’t where it should be. Exposure therapy is what Jane calls it: intentionally leaving items slightly crooked and riding out the feeling of it being off without fixing it. It’s a huge step, and I am not feeling as edgy about it. Nor have I given it a second thought until now, unlike when we first started trying it. I’m getting better, I know I am. “No. I want to focus on how I change up my routine.” Plus, I’m supposed to be going to a retreat with Sapphire this weekend, and I really, really need to speak to her about that because I can’t attend this weekend but I do still want to go. Not only could it be the catalyst I need to help me change, but I also want to spend more time with her, just her and me. After her text last night I’ve never wanted to jump in my car and drive to anyone’s house so fast in all of my life.
Failure shows you pushed yourself today and that’s progress, not perfection. I hope you wear that effort badge with pride. I’ll be looking for it the next time I see you.
I wanted to see her right there and then.
And now I want to go on that stupid retreat, even if it is a nudist one.
I don’t really but I will if it means spending time with her.
Jane takes her time to respond, as if she’s thinking before she says, “Got it. What do you usually do after our sessions?”
“Sit behind my desk and work.” Work. Tennis. Visit Mom. Visit Dad. Play chess. Trim my bonsai. It’s all so mundane and mindlessly boring.
“And if I suggested visiting the person you enjoyed your Saturday with all those weeks ago right after our session today, how does that make you feel?”
I stand up straighter, perk up, my neural pathways opening, loving her proposal. Usually, I would be dead set against a last-minute change, but I’ve been aching to see Sapphire since last night. “I would like that. Very much.” I play it cool when all I want to do is grab my suit jacket and leave, as I stride across my office without hesitation toward it hanging on the back of the door.
“Do you want to go now?”
“Do you have a camera in my office that I don’t know about?” I scan the corners of my office for any signs of equipment, dropping the bonsai cutters on my desk as I pass, ignoring how jauntily they sit along the edge of the desk. Now, that is making progress. Everything Jane has me doing each week is starting to come together.
I’ve only encountered a few hiccups along the way, one being folding and refolding my T-shirts in my closet and realigning my sneakers and shoes three times. That incident happened after I visited my dad when he fell in the shower at the memory care home, then babbled incomprehensible gibberish for days due to a concussion. He’s fine now. Well, not completely fine, because he’s not the same man who raised me, but he’s back to his baseline before the tumble. But it scared me, and all I want is more good days with him. I’m clinging to his good days with dear life, although I don’t have any control over them now. However, a slight change in his meds seems to be helping. I can only hope they continue to work.
Jane laughs lightly. “I just know you, Eli, you’re usually the man who can’t be moved and you only do something on your terms. I get the impression that you want to go now and if that is the case, then you should.”
“Great, well, I think we’re done for the afternoon.” There’s no stopping me now as I pull my jacket off the hanger and slip it on, checking my appearance in the reflection of the windows. Just as I’m about to straighten my pink tie, I stop myself.
Hell, I’m even wearing ties that match the color of her hair now.
“My tie is straight,” I state the adaptable mantra Jane told me to repeat to myself so my mind would eventually get on board and stop the compulsion to fix things when they don’t need fixing.
“You’re doing great, Eli.”
Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. “Thanks.” I accept the compliment. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have somewhere to be.” Hell, I’m excited. Giddy even.
“Please check in with me in the morning to let me know how it went.”
“I will.” I’m a man of my word.
“And Eli?”
“Yes?”
“Remember this feeling and try to bottle it to come back to.”
“I’ll try.” Every minute with Sapphire feels like living in the moment without worrying about the consequences.
It’s the same way she swims naked in the ocean. She’s living for the now. The way she’s opened the door and let me see what living without barriers looks and feels like, I now want more.
How can I deprive myself of it? I don’t want to.
18
ELI
The multicolored neon Welcome to Safire & Spark sign above the door glows back at me, inviting me to enter the red-brick building covered in custom graffiti. But it’s not just graffiti; it’s a work of art. Intricate, detailed drawings of people’s faces, with a depth I’ve only seen in paintings hanging in an art gallery from the likes of Endee Desree.