I used to dread our conversations and interactions, but now I count down every moment until our next one.
I live for them.
17
ELI
“How have things been since we last talked?” my therapist, Jane, asks over the speaker of my desk phone, in that smoother-than-caramel voice of hers.
“Okay.” I examine the bonsai sitting on the windowsill and remove a branch that’s had a sudden growth spurt using the sharp cutters in my hand.
Talking while I prune my bonsai in the safety of my office is how I prefer to do these sessions. It’s more relaxed.
“Last week, we talked about not visiting your mom on Saturday. How did that go?”
“I visited her.” I sound deflated.
“And that upsets you? Why?” Even though Jane can’t see me, she knows. She always knows when I’m annoyed with myself. Again.
“I thought after missing one weeks ago, I could do it again and not feel wrong.” I fell at yet another hurdle.
“It all sounds pretty normal to me, Eli and it’s okay because you can always try again.”
“I suppose so,” I say, trimming a crowded area of my bonsai to help more light reach the center. Doing this every week settles my mind. Jane says I like it because it’s a form of meditation without being forced to close my eyes, lie down, and pressure my brain into shutting down when it doesn’t want to.
“If I asked you to try again another day, would that sound okay or hard?”
I stand up straight and look out the window at the city moving quickly below.
“I’m not sure.” That’s the truth. “I might be okay with it, I guess.” I add, “I found it easy the first time to change my plans because I liked the person I was with.” I was with Sapphire, and she made me feel… content. To the point that I didn’t want to be anywhere else.
My confidence might have been knocked sideways by yesterday’s failed skydive but I won’t let it break me.
Like Sapphire said, I failed, but I was brave in even trying, and with some reflection overnight, and after talking to her over text, I felt better about the entire situation this morning.
When she shared her own fears with me, it made me feel less… shit. Still shit though, just not as much as before.
I was mad at her for pushing me beyond my limits, but really I was madder at myself yesterday.
How can I be mad at Sapphire when all she’s ever been is kind, funny, unraveling me one small interaction at a time?
Jane presses me. “And when you anchor into that feeling again, the one where the person you are with makes you feel good, how does it make you feel now?”
“A bit of everything. Nervous because she makes me question things I haven’t before. Happy too because she’s a ray of sunshine. Content because I allow myself to be me, and she never questions my quirks,” I mutter thoughtfully. “She confuses me too; we’re quite different.” And yet, her smile, those eyes, her chatter and busy nature, she’s everything that’s missing in my life.
“That’s great awareness, Eli. You’ve pinpointed exactly what made you want to change your routine.” Silence on the phone suggests she’s thinking, then she speaks up. “When you say someone is different from you, sometimes it’s what we need. Like two jigsaw puzzle pieces fitting together to create the perfect picture. Without one, the puzzle stays unfinished. They complete each other.”
They complete each other.Jane’s words swirl around my brain.
“If I suggested you arrange another coffee date with the same person, how does that feel now?” she asks.
“Great,” I enthuse.
“Perfect. We could build on that, but I’ll come back to that at the end. For now, tell me, on a scale of one to ten, where would you say your symmetry compulsions have been this past week?”
“It was a three.” Nerves got the better of me on Monday. “It spiked to a five before I left to meet someone on Monday. It was the same person I met for coffee.” I aligned everything on my desk at least half a dozen times before leaving the office to meet Sapphire. “She makes me nervous.” Which is something I never experience around women.
Hearing Sapphire say she thought I didn’t like her the other day hit me like a punch to the gut. How could she believe that? The truth is, I’m overwhelmed by how much I want her. I want to kiss her so fiercely it feels like I’ll suffocate if I don’t.