I continue to stare at the floor and swallow hard, my palms clasped tight around my knees. “I’ve got OCD. A form of it. It’s called just-right OCD, triggered by Dad’s illness. It gets bad sometimes. Aligning things, straightening objects. I don’t clean, or count, I line things up until, in my head, they are just right. Sometimes I do it over and over. Like I am stuck in a loop. It gets dark sometimes.”
I flick my eyes to his but Cole’s expression is soft and warm. Non-judgmental. He doesn’t say anything, squeezing my shoulder in reassurance for me to continue.
“I didn’t want to tell you, or anyone,” I add. “I didn’t want people to look at me differently. Everyone thinks I am this strong guy who has everything handled. But the truth is, since Dad was diagnosed, this weird thing happened in my head, and it triggered my need to control everything around me because Dad’s illness is the one thing I can’t do anything about. So I fix, move, rearrange, align, then do it all over again until the feeling of discomfort eases. I can’t explain why I do it. My therapist said it’s to do with stress levels and feelings of uncertainty.” I can barely finish what I want to say, but I force the words out. “The uncertainty of what life will be like without Dad.”
I shake my head and drop my forehead into my hands, digging my fingers into my scalp. “Since we found out about Dad, I’ve been fighting with my own brain, and I hate it. Something snapped inside of me that day.”
The weight of my confession sits heavy between us.
Cole leans forward. “You’re still you, still Eli, still my brother. Nothing will ever change that.”
I let out a slow and shaky breath, my shoulders dropping an inch. “For months now it’s been improving.”
“Is that since you met Sapphire?” He knows how good she is for me.
I know how good she is for me.
“Yeah,” I reply.
“Did Dad’s fall trigger it again?”
I nod, my jaw tight, grinding my teeth together. “The checking, the thoughts, the routine, it’s all come rushing back and I couldn’t stop it.” I rub my temples. “And I know Sapphire, I saw the way she was looking at me yesterday like she wanted to fix me because she could see I wasn’t okay. I’ve been avoiding her and every time she’s tried to reach out, I’ve pulled back. Like I was protecting her from me, my illness. I don’t know. None of it makes sense to me anymore. I couldn’t let her in.” I tap my temple. “So I told her she couldn’t fix me with her sparkle and brightness and that I didn’t want her trying. I said things that made it seem like it was about her, when really it was all about me, ’cause I’m so fucking scared she’ll see too much, the worst of who I am and finally give up. Anything good always leaves or doesn’t last.”
Cole corrects me. “It won’t last if you push it away.”
I look up and stare at Dad lying in the hospital bed, my heart aching for him and how his life has changed dramatically these last few years.
My brother knows I’m struggling and says, “And when Dad passes that’s something none of us can stop. The only thing that matters is how we spend the time we still have with him. That includes sitting next to him even on days like today.”
“Sapphire said the same.” I wipe under my nose, my voice breaking, eyes stinging as emotion gets the better of me.
“Dad loves Sapphire,” Cole states. “He mentions her every time I visit. When he wakes up, he’ll be expecting her to be here.”
God, he really will. I arch my neck and eye the ceiling, pulling air into my lungs. “I lost myself yesterday and said some incredibly mean things to her. Like I was doing it to get space, to feel in control again? I don’t know. She didn’t even offer advice or tell me things I should be doing to help. I just jumped to conclusions.”
“And all you succeeded in doing was pushing away the love of your fucking life, when the only thing she wanted to do was just be there for you when you were ready. It sounds like you were scared. Once the storm inside your head started, you couldn’t stop it.”
Cole’s right. “Since when did you get so smart, brother?”
He shrugs.
“I was cruel though.”
“So what are you going to do to fix it?”
I feel instantly better, and a light goes on in my head. “Go to her.”
“Now?” Cole asks, looking at the time.
“Yes. Now.”
Cole’s brow furrows. “Wait, didn’t you say Sapphire’s parents live near the Sierra foothills?”
“Yes, why?”
Cole sits frozen for a moment, saying nothing, covering his mouth to stop himself from blurting out whatever is on the tip of his tongue.
“Cole!” I bark.