“Because she always does. She’ll put whatever I want first, and I’m not going to let her do it.”
“Because you’re scared?”
My jaw ticked, but I couldn’t answer her.
“She deserves to know all her options, Jake. That girl loves you.”
“But will she in five years when she’s still stuck here with me? In Eugene? When she could have left? Could have done more with her life?”
I’d said too much. I hadn’t even pinged on the sickening fear in my stomach until I said it out loud. But there it was. I hadn’t been enough for Miranda. I hadn’t been enough for my dad. I couldn’t stomach the thought of not being enough for Shelby. I’d been broken a lot of times before, but I had a feeling that wasn’t something I could come back from.
My mom tugged my hand until I looked at her.
“Listen, Jake. You married the wrong girl. That happens sometimes. But she gave you Sophie, so maybe it all worked out just how it was supposed to. And maybe now you’re being guided right to the woman who knows you best and loves you in spite of it all.”
“You don’t know she loves me,” I insisted stubbornly, mostly because I was curious about her answer.
But Brenda Evans only laughed. And then she kept laughing until I stood to leave.
“Alright, I’m leaving, old lady, if this is how I’m going to be treated.”
“Good luck at the rodeo, Jake. And don’t be an idiot.”
29
JAKE
It had beena long time since I’d worn the gray suit. I had definitely grown a couple of inches and put on some muscle since the last time. Which was great except when I had no time to scrounge up anything else. But because I was who I was, I threw on my cowboy boots to help me feel more at home.
The pre-dinner appetizers began in Eugene’s town hall, located near the fairgrounds where the rodeo would take place later tonight. The smoky scent of steak and fried potatoes wafted through the air from a kitchen in the back, and I decided to bypass the waiters carrying trays of stuffed mushrooms and questionable things wrapped in a pastry and wait for the main course. Round tables draped with fancy white cloths filled the center of the space, looking at odds in a room full of cowboys in ill-fitted suits and pulling at too-tight collars. Most of us mingled on the side, talking and telling stories.
I spent most of my time laughing with Dusty and shaking hands with rodeo buddies and a few of my dad’s old friends. My dad was in the room too. So far, I’d avoided him. It hadn’t been hard to do that, since he had a good portion of the roomclustered around him, hanging on his every word. I glanced at the clock.
There was a nervous buzz of energy around me that felt foreign to my body. I didn’t remember nerves like this, but I also didn’t feel anything like the cocky cowboy that used to strut around with some of these people. I took a deep breath through my nose while checking the doors for my date.
Suddenly, my dad stood in front of me. He wore a fitted black suit and tie, with black boots that looked like they hadn’t seen a lick of dirt. He held a bottle of water in his hand, which was a far cry from the way he used to smell like he’d fallen into a keg after every one of his rodeos.
I nodded toward his water bottle.
“You’re drinking a bit lighter than you used to.”
He caught my meaning, and his chin raised slightly. “Been drinking light for about two years now.”
My brows raised. “How’s that been going?”
“It was hard for a while. Sometimes, it still is. My body’s always going to crave it. But it’s been good for me too.”
I nodded, unsure of what to say.
“It turns out…” he trailed off, like he couldn’t believe he’d started the sentence, before he forced himself to keep going. He swiped at his face, and I noticed his hands were shaking. “It turns out that too much alcohol can help a man keep forgetting about some of the bad things he’s done. Most of the time, having a constant buzz was an easier place to be.”
I stiffened, hearing all the things he wasn’t saying. It was too late, I told myself. This fixed nothing. But I could feel my traitorous body soaking everything in like water to a sponge.
“Anyway, I’m not riding tonight. But I’m excited to finally get to watch you. I’m just sorry I’m about fifteen years too late.”
The mayor appeared just then, whisking my dad’s attention away. I turned and walked in another direction, grateful for thedistraction. Hate is a much easier emotion to harbor. Everything else was too complicated to sort through.
“Where’s Shelby?” Dusty asked, coming beside me with Lucy when we found ourselves alone for the first minute all night. He wrapped his arm around his wife, pulling her close. She smiled gently at me, her short brown hair and glasses making her appear younger than she was.