“I know you were angry over your father. But I can still kill him for you. It’s on the table. It’s either kill him or work with him. Your choice.”
I open my lips but I can’t get the words out. Can’t seem to make myself order the death of my father because at the end of the day… he’s still my dad. I’m so hurt by him because I loved him. Now, I don’t know what to feel.
“I can’t give you an answer,” I say.
“Then in the meantime, I’m going to work with him. You need to be prepared for that. I’m doing it for you. To keep your father on a leash. It’s not to hurt you, Irina. You have to know that.”
I search his eyes and all I find is sincerity. “How are you so nice to me? You married me without even knowing me.”
“Because I knew you needed me. When I first saw you, I knew. I will keep proving myself to you that I will protect you. You don’t need to doubt it.”
“I’m seeing that. And thank you… for getting me out of that basement. I don’t know how long I was down there for. But I had to stare into the eyes of the man I killed. It was…”
“I know. I remember the first life I took. He was…”
“I thought you didn’t want me to know. That this would incriminate me.”
“I think we’re past that now. I won’t tell you if you don’t want to know.”
I know in my gut I need to hear this. I need to know exactly who my husband is – all the good and the bad. “I need to know.”
“He was a lot older than me. I was sixteen at the time. My father expected me to follow in his footsteps. Take up the family business. I was sent on a mission to prove myself. There was this man… I can’t even remember his name now. But he had angered my father. So my father brought the man to his restaurant. The back room. The butcher shop. I was surrounded by dead cows and pigs. Their bodies hanging lifeless in the air and it didn’t faze me. I didn’t think of it at all.
“And then,” he continues, “my father brought the man into the room and made him kneel before me. I was shocked. I didn’t know what was happening. I knew I was going to take after my father in the business but at that point, I didn’t fully know what the business entailed. Not all of it. So when my father put a gun in my hands, I realized. I realized what darkness surrounded my father and I initially wanted nothing to do withit. I told my father no. That I wouldn’t kill this man but my father insisted, telling me this would make me into a man.” He takes in a shuddering breath. I’ve never seen Nikolai this vulnerable before.
I place my hand over his and that seems to give him the courage to continue.
“My father gripped my hands tightly around the gun and told me to pull the trigger. He said he couldn’t do it for me. This was a test and I wasn’t sure what would happen if I failed. I was too afraid to ask at the time. But I knew in my gut: my father would disown me. I would never take over the business. I would never grow into a powerful man like him. I would be weak and afraid forever so I didn’t want to be. I pointed the gun at the man’s head. The man who’s name I don’t even remember… and I pulled the trigger.”
“And then?” I whisper.
“His blood splattered against the wall. I was shocked. I never expected that much blood. And he fell over. All the life was gone from his eyes. I didn’t know what to think. All I felt was fear. Stone, cold fear. And then my father took the gun from my hands and told me how proud of me he was. How I did the right thing. How I would become a man without mercy and rise up in the ranks. So I did. I became the man I am today. One without mercy. I killed Simone without even thinking about it, even though we once used to date.”
I swallow heavily. “Will you do that to me? If I make you angry, will you end my life someday?”
“No. I only killed Simone because she tried to kill you. I don’t normally kill women. It has happened before… but it’s rare. And I usually have other men do the dirty work. It’s the best way for my hands to remain as clean as possible. Stay out of the attention of the police.”
I go silent for a long moment. Nikolai looks at me like he’s waiting for my reply. Like he’s… afraid of what I’ll say. “You’re not without mercy.”
My words make him frown. “What?”
“You have the ability for kindness. You’ve shown it to me. You saved my life tonight. If you hadn’t found me, who knows how long I would have been in that room for? I could have died of starvation in that room. Or Simone would have sent someone else. You protected me from that man at your club. You were out looking for me when Alexei took me. And you saved me from those men at the auction. You have kindness in you, Nik. I can see it. It’s the reason I’m not afraid of you anymore.”
He gives me a tender smile before giving me a gentle kiss that steals my breath away. “You never have to fear me.”
“Just never spank me again. Don’t break your promises to me.”
“I won’t. You are my wife. I want to protect you and nothing else. I want to worship you.”
A powerful man like him worshiping me? It’s almost too much to handle.
“It’s scary,” I admit. “This thing between us. What I’m feeling. Allowing myself to be vulnerable with you.”
“I know. I’ve never been this vulnerable with anyone before either.”
“Does it scare you? Does anything scare you?”
He looks me deep in the eyes, almost like he’s looking into my soul. “I was scared when I couldn’t find you. When I thought you had left me again.”