Alexei approached slowly, eyes on my face, hands seeming to move of their own accord to my bare hips. “You are like the green man.”
I frowned.Who?
“Is an English book I read when I was a child. About a man who lived in a tree and bathed in the river.”
“I don’t wash in the river. I have the world’s tiniest shower in my van so I don’t have to.”
“Why? You like nature, no? You feel at home in the wild.”
I did, but there was one element that didn’t settle my soul unless I smashed it open first. I waited for Alexei to give up on me answering his question and take off his clothes.
Then I took his hand. “I’ll show you.”
I led him into the river, facing the current so the freezing water battered our skin. The shock made my heart jump harder, but I could handle the cold. It was the heat of fear that disturbed me most.
The riverbed was rocky, biting into my feet. I steeled myself in the pain and pulled Alexei on, not stopping until we stood in the middle of the fierce stream.
He faced me, no sign of obvious discomfort in his stance, but his teeth chattered, and his starry eyes were wide. “Do you know who Perun is, wingman?”
“Hmm?”
“The Slavic god of the sky, of thunder and rain. I am wondering if this is a parable.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“It means I do not believe you are trying to kill me for no reason, which is lucky for you.”
I felt lucky when I looked at him, and not because we were naked in the river with only the stars and the owls for company. “I have a recurring dream. My child protection file says I drew a picture of it when the forest rangers found me in the woods, but I don’t remember.”
Alexei came closer, once again ghosting his cool hands to my skin, my ribs this time, my hips were under water. “Why were you in the woods alone?”
“My mum left me there.”
“Why?”
“She didn’t want me. The police said she’d tried to kill me first by drowning me in the lake, but I scratched her face and got away.”
“How old were you?”
“Three.”
“And you were a fighter, even then. Hmm, this makes sense. Cam told me you were born in prison. I was not sure if it was a metaphor.”
“I don’t really know what that means either, but I was born in Holloway if that helps.”
Alexei leaned in and licked the scar on my neck, a gentle touch of his hot tongue that let me know Cam had told him that blinder from my life story too. “I do not need you to help me. But keep talking. It distracts me from my toes freezing off.”
“I don’t like the water. I don’t remember my mum, but I dream about her holding me under, about choking and drowning. It’s how I feel when I can’t talk and it fucks me up that I’m awake.”
“Because it is a dream based on truth?”
I shrugged. “I don’t care. I just hate being scared of something I should love, so when I feel like I’m gonna die, I come here and sit under the water until I can breathe again.”
“You drown yourself to save yourself?”
“I suppose.”
Alexei nodded slowly, taking it all in. “I do not like that this is oddly logical. It makes me fear what you will ask me to do next.”