“Luis. You never told him your mum lied to you. You let him think you dragged him into that life for the sake of her vanity, and maybe your own.” It was a guess—a gamble based on nothing more than instinct, but Sid knew he was right. Dante was a man who lived to punish himself. It made sense that he’d been doing it from the start.
Sid rubbed Dante’s inked torso again.
Dante shivered and offered Sid a slow head shake. “I never told him.”
“Why?”
“Because it was easier for him to hate me.”
“Why?”
Dante inched out of Sid’s hold on him, putting a fraction of space between them, chest heaving as if they’d had a heavy make-out session, not a simple conversation. “Because hating me—and her—kept him sharp. Without it, he’d have been dead in the first year.”
He turned on his heel and left the kitchen. A split second later he was back with his shirt and boots on. “I gotta go. My probation officer wants to see me today.”
“He’s coming here?”
“Nah, he’s stopped doing that now. I have to get the bus to his office every two weeks instead.”
Dread filled Sid’s heart. “In the city?”
“Yup.”
You hate the city. Dante had never said it, but if their excursion yesterday had taught Sid anything, it was that Dante had issues with agoraphobia, among other things. But Sid pushed that thought away. He didn’t want to think about what the fuck could’ve happened to Dante to make him fear a man as gentle as Saban the friendly neighbour. “Do you want me to come with you?”
Dante pulled a face. “To visit my probation officer? You’re all right. It’s bad enough that I have to go. I hate that bloke.”
“Do you?”
“No. Which makes it worse.”
“You want to hate him?”
Dante shrugged. “I want a lot of things.” He scrubbed a hand over his face with a heavy sigh, and Sid knew this was it. He was going to leave, and if too much time and space passed before they had a real conversation again, they’d be right back where they started.
“Look,” he said at the same time Dante took a breath. “Go on.”
Dante shook his head. “You go.”
Sid forced himself to stay still and not lurch forwards and stumble into Dante, bracing himself on his strong frame. “I’m going to say something about sex. Is that okay?”
“Yes.”
Sid turned slightly, leaning his back on the counter. “I wasn’t talking shit when I said I want to show you how it can be to be with someone. I mean, I’m unreliable at best, so I can’t promise it would always pan out, but I think, maybe...” Sid took a moment to gather his words. “I think that might be better for you where you’re at right now.”
Dante’s gaze was unreadable. “And where’s that, Sid? Where am I at right now?”
“A crossroads,” Sid said simply. “I want you and I think you want me, but the world is much bigger than that, bigger than us. I think you need to let yourself be happy for a while, or at least safe, and while I can’t promise you much, you’ll be safe with me, always, mate. And free too. No strings.”
He was rambling by the time he was done but trusted Dante’s sharp instincts to hear what he was saying.Let yourself feel. I won’t hurt you. I promise. But was it enough? Or was it a fucking joke? After all, what exactly was Sid offering him? More blowjobs and chaotic sleepovers where he got no rest for all the wrong reasons?
Doubt crept into the impassioned grip Sid’s soft heart had on his common sense. He fought it, though. Dante had spent enough time with Sid with his clothes on to know how reality would bite down on them if Sid’s disease flared up.Let it go. It’s his choice.
Sid eased his body around and flicked the switch on the kettle, bracing himself for the sound of Dante’s boots against the wood floor as he walked away.
But Dante had never walked away from him. Not yet. He came up close behind Sid and touched his shoulder, then pressed his lush, full lips to the hollow behind Sid’s ear. “We’ll talk later. But know this, I knew the second we first fucking kissed that I couldn’t live without doing it again.”
Then he left, taking his sinful mouth with him.