“Yeah? If that was true, perhaps I’d have known earlier that you needed me, eh?”
Kim looked up. “You weren’t here.”
“I know, and I’m sorry.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. I’d never want you to be— It’s just— Fuck.” Kim banged his head on the tiled wall behind him. “I called you a few times. Your phone was off.”
“The battery ran out. I’m so so—”
“Jas,please. Don’t be sorry for my bullshit. I can’t handle that guilt on top of the rest of it.”
With Kim apparently ready to talk, now seemed as good a time as any to steer him out of the shower and into my room. He said nothing as I dried us both off and passed him some clean boxers, so I pointed at the bed. “Get in.”
He obeyed, and I slipped in beside him, clicking the TV on for some background noise before I turned to face him and gestured for him to pick up where we’d left off in the shower.
Kim shrugged. “What do you want to know?”
“Everything that you can tell me. I’m not angry, Kim, and I’m trying really hard not to say I’m sorry, but you’ve got to give me a little here. Will you tell me what you drank?”
“I didn’t drink.”
“Kim.”
“I didn’t, I swear. I wanted to, and kinda lost my mind over it, but I didn’t drink. I promise.”
Cynicism bubbled up my throat as I stared at him, warring with the reality that Kim had never lied to me before. That, despite his demons, he was so painfully honest sometimes that I wanted to weep. Addiction was toxic, but this wasKim, damn it. He was worth so much more.
I believed him. Ihadto, or we had nothing. “So what happened?”
“What always happens, I guess.” Kim stared down at his hands and traced the anchor tattoo on his index finger with his thumb. “I’m not good with downtime, especially when I’m on my own. I finished the barn job in the middle of the night, and no one was around—you, Lena. And the next day I had nothing to do either. It sounds fucking stupid, I know. Like, why couldn’t I read a book or some shit, or annoy Brix for the day? But it doesn’t work like that. It gets louder and louder.”
“And you want to drink to stop it?”
“Ialwayswant to drink, but it got out of hand this time because I had nothing and no one to distract me. I went mad with the power tools for a while, but then the generator failed, and I couldn’t get hold of you, or anyone else, and then I felt like a selfish prick for even trying, so I took a few zopiclone, hoping I could sleep it off.”
“Zopiclone?” I searched my brain for where I’d heard the word before. “Sleeping pills?”
“Yeah . . . God, don’t look at me like that. I couldn’t handle it, Jas. I needed to sleep.”
His voice wavered. I slipped my arm around his slender shoulders and pulled him close, brushing his damp hair out of his face. He shivered, though I suspected he wasn’t cold. “Go on,” I said softly. “Tell me how you ended up on the cliffs.”
“I don’t really know, to be honest. The first pill I took didn’t work, so I took another, and then one more. They must’ve kicked in all at once while I was walking. Good job I wasn’t driving, eh?”
The thought alone was enough to make me feel sick. “You could’ve got bloody pneumonia.”
“I’d take that instead of this. Sometimes I think I’d rather have a fucking tumour.”
There was no mirth in Kim’s tone, only fatigue. I kissed him gently, and then coaxed him to lie down with his head in my lap. Kim’s addiction wasn’t going anywhere, and neither was I. For now, that he was safe, warm, and in my arms was enough.
I tracked Brix down on Facebook while Kim slept, and called him. He seemed unsurprised to hear from me. I combed my fingers through Kim’s hair as I filled Brix in on our cliff-top adventure. “He banged some zopiclone, but he says he didn’t drink.”
Brix hummed thoughtfully. “If he says he didn’t drink, then he didn’t. He hides from us, but he doesn’t lie. Mind, popping the sleeping pills isn’t much better than hitting the sauce. It’s still a chemical reaction to emotions he can’t handle.”
I couldn’t argue with that, and I didn’t try. “I wish Lena was here. She’d know what to do, wouldn’t she?”
“No more than you. Besides, Lena is gone, and it’s how they both want it. If you’re going to be with Kim, you need to learn to deal with this in your own way.”
He was right, of course, and for that to happen, Kim and I had to talk again when he woke up, which sent a new flare of anxiety rippling through me. “He took three zopiclone. Is that dangerous?”