My heart dropped into my stomach as Kim’s ominous words about his past relapses flashed into my mind—“I guess I’m a bit depressed. It happens now and then, especially when something good happens in my life. Weird, eh?”He’d sounded happy the last time I’d heard his voice, free. Was it possible that the relief of finishing such a mammoth job had tipped him over the edge?
By the obvious worry in Brix, I reckoned so. “I need to find him.”
“He won’t be at home,” Brix said.
“Where will he be?”
“The cliffs,” Calum answered. “It’s where they all go when they can’t feel the sea.”
The cryptic answer made perfect sense as I recalled the evening I’d spent with Kim huddled up in my car at Porthkennack’s highest point.
I dashed away from Calum and Brix to my car, which I’d had to leave on the road leading up to the farm. Some twat in an Audi had blocked me in. I forced my way out and scraped the shit out of their fancy paintwork, then I hit the road, my heart still seeping from the soles of my feet. Much of Kim was still a mystery to me, but of one thing I was certain: something waswrong.
I drove to the cliffs at breakneck speed, recklessly screaming around the bends in Porthkennack’s perilous roads. As I drove, it began to rain—really rain—and big fat drops obscured my vision, forcing me to slow down just in time for a wide truck to come at me from the opposite direction. At first I was all set to try and slip past him, unwilling to stop, even for a moment, but I came to my senses at the last second and skidded to a halt.
The driver gave me the finger, and he was totally justified, but I paid him no heed and stamped on the accelerator, spraying gravel behind me as the car lurched forward. The cliffs were still a mile away, but I could see the ocean on the horizon, and it was dark and angry, its blue hue so deep it was almost black. And the sky was fast catching up with it.
I’d spent most of my adult life chasing light, and today was no exception, but I’d never felt such desperation as I raced against the fading sun. Locals knew the cliffs like the backs of their hands, but I didn’t—I only knew the car park, the railings, and a couple of benches. If Kim had retreated to somewhere more secluded, I’d never find him in the dark.
Panic seized me, and I drove faster, pushing the car’s one-litre engine and dubious power-steering to its limits. The tyres skidded and the brakes screeched, and the roar of the struggling exhaust kept me grounded, tying me to reality so I didn’t lose my mind—because my mind was my own, but my heart was Kim’s, and heneededme.
The road to the cliff-top car park finally came into view. I took it as fast as I dared and threw myself in the first space I saw. Not that it mattered, the place was deserted—no cars, no people . . . no Kim.
I scanned the area and my heart sank. Had I got it wrong? Was he at home? Or somewhere else? Perhaps he’d gone to Red . . . needing her more than he needed me after all. It wasn’t as though he’d made me any promises.
The possibility that he’d simply left me was like a truck driving into my gut. The impact spread from my belly and into my veins, and the bad memories my time with Kim had erased came flooding back. I hadn’t loved my ex like I loved Kim, but the betrayal had broken me all the same. Did Kim have it in him to be so callous? My heart said not, but his absence left a void that only images of him and Lena together—without me—could fill.
But as I stared out into the darkness, a scenario far worse than Kim leaving me for Lena crossed my mind. The absolute certainty that Kim needed me returned, and brought with it a boatload of panic. Brix’s concern had been too obvious to ignore, Calum’s too. And if they were worried, I was fucking terrified. Kim rarely talked about falling off the wagon, but he’d left no doubt that it had been brutal in the past—destructive and cruel.Oh God. What if—
A flash ahead derailed my thoughts. Shit.The sky had darkened to the point where I could barely see my own hand in front of my face, but Kim often wore a biker jacket with a sliver of reflective fabric on the sleeve, a strip of pale gold that was now caught in the beam of my headlights.
I jumped out of the car, leaving the engine running, and dashed across the car park, vaulting the low wooden fence. The rain fell like a monsoon around me, but I felt nothing, saw nothing, except the heartbreaking sight of Kim huddled on the bench, his eyes closed to the world.
“Kim, Kim!” I reached him and dropped to my knees, taking his limp, cold hand. “Kim? Wake up, mate. Please?”
There was no response, and for a terrifying moment, I honestly thought he was dead. But then he shifted slightly, like a baby in deep sleep, and his hand fell from mine.
I grabbed it again and squeezed it, and then shook him hard, the way I’d seen paramedics do to the drunks on Oxford Street. “Kim, come on. You can’t stay here. You’ll freeze.”
If he hadn’t already. I leaned over him, searching for another sign of life. I waited for the smell of booze to hit me—beer, wine, whiskey, I’d never asked him what his choice of poison was—but instead of alcohol, all I smelt was wood and rain.
All I smelt was Kim.
I put my hand to his cold cheek. “Kim.”
My plea was whispered this time, but by some miracle seemed to penetrate where I’d failed so far. He groaned, and then his eyes fluttered open, bloodshot and unfocussed at first, until he saw me.
“Jas?”
“It’s me. Can you sit up?”
Kim blinked, clearly lost. “What are you doing?”
“Might ask you the same thing. It’s wetter than an otter’s pocket up here, and cold as fuck.”
“Cold?”
The confusion in his troubled gaze tore me in two. I took both his hands in mine and tugged him gently forward, causing his feet to hit the ground. “Kim, we’re up on the cliffs, mate.”