And then he started to cry.
It only lasted a moment.He forced back the tears.He wiped his eyes.He put the remaining half of his corn dog back in its tray, laid his head back, and closed his eyes.
“Do you want to talk about it?”Jem asked.
Tean shook his head.
Chewing noises came in answer.Then the slurp of Jem’s drink—Coke, but with a million add-ins, cherry and vanilla and sweet cream and lime, not to mention the foam cup was the size of one of those Home Depot buckets.And then Jem said, “Can I apologize?”
Tean’s voice was wetter than he would have liked when he said, “You don’t have anything to apologize for.”
“Yeah, I do.I’ve been—” He stopped.“Last night.I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
“You were worried about me.I wasn’t acting rationally.”Tears stung the corners of Tean’s eyes, and he fought them away again.“I haven’t been acting rationally for a long time.Take today, for example.”
“Of course you’re not acting rationally,” Jem said.“You’re exhausted.You’re hurting.You’re terrified for Daniel.And Iwasworried about you, but that didn’t give me the right to talk to you that way.”
“Jem, it’s okay.I knew I was doing something stupid.I shouldn’t have left the house last night.”
The sounds of food items being moved around filled the space between them—rustling, crunching, the slide of deep-fried whatever sliding against the paper tray.
“Do you know what I think when I wake up and you’re not there?I mean, it takes me a few seconds to realize you’re gone.After that.”
A horn blatted on the cross street.
“He’s not coming back,” Jem said.“How fucked up is that?”
Tean opened his eyes.Jem was staring down at the food, using his index finger to slide the last onion ring around in its tray.
“It’s not fucked up,” Tean said.
“Swear jar.”
“You literally just said it.”
Jem shrugged.“Rules are rules.”
Tean took Jem’s hand, curling his fingers into Jem’s palm.“You’ve had a lot of people abandon you.Of course there’s a part of you that— Oh my gosh, Jem, I didn’t even think about that.”
What made it worse was that when Jem spoke, his voice verged on apologetic.“I know.”
“What is wrong with me?Seriously?How could I not— I am so sorry.I didn’t—” Helplessness made it impossible to get the words out, but finally Tean managed, “Jem, I should have thought of that.I should have realized.I kept telling myself I was being considerate, not waking you.I never thought about—” He almost saidyou.And the shock of that, of hearing himself almost say it, kept him from saying anything else.
“I know,” Jem said again, with a smile that Tean might have called, on someone else, nervous.“But I wanted to tell you because I wanted you to know why I, uh, freaked the fuck out last night.”
“Thank you for telling me.I really am sorry, Jem.I should have thought about how it might affect you.”
Jem nodded.His hand tightened once around Tean’s, a pulse of acknowledgment.Out on the street, headlights and taillights made a red-and-white maze.
“I quit my job,” Jem said.
“What?”
“Today.Like, right when you called.”Jem shook his head, his gaze drifting out toward the night.“Oh my God, Tean, I burned every fucking bridge behind me.It wasnotgood.”
The first question that popped into Tean’s head had something to do with whether they were sitting in a stolen car at that moment.But he set that aside for later, fished for the right question, and came up with “Why?”
“Because I hated it.”