I drop my head and take a deep breath, willing back the tears threatening to spill.He can’t say things like that to me. Not when he can’t accept what life has thrown at us.
When I’ve calmed down slightly, I lift my face. “You have told me you loved me before. It wasn’t enough. When we had the pregnancy scare you freaked out. Pulled away from me.Endedus.” The torment at remembering him retreating wells up inside me. “You were so relieved when I told you I wasn’t pregnant. Ican’t live like that. Love is experiencing the good things as well as the unexpected.” I’m never going to say the pregnancy is bad, because it’s a blessing I never thought I needed.
Raking his fingers through his hair, he blows out a breath. “I’d been living my life with so much fear, that was the reaction I thought I was supposed to have. After what happened with Rachel, it was a reflex reaction. Then, as I looked at my daughter, dove deep into my feelings—dusted the bad shit off the good ones—I realized I wasn’t relieved you weren’t pregnant. I wasdisappointed.”
My heart stops beating for a second. “I don’t believe you.” How can I when he was so adamant he didn’t want children? I don’t want to hope for something he’s not ready to give.
He takes my hands and holds them in his. They’re shaking…or is that mine? “Believe it. I won’t lie, it took time to work through my shit. I want to kick my own ass for letting you down. I’m sorry I made you believe I never wanted a baby with you. God, if you forgive me, I want to fill you with as many babies as possible. Can you forgive me?” His eyes shimmer with unshed tears. Oh, I want to pull him into my arms.
His words fill me with so much joy…hope for our future. If only I hadn’t lied to him. How will he react? “It’s not that simple.”
He lifts my hands and places them on his chest. His heart pounds against my palms. “It can be. Stay with me. Don’t go to London. No…fuck that. Performing is your dream. Go and me and Lily will follow you. There’s nothing keeping me here.”
I’m breathless. “You’d do that? Pack up and move your life to be with me in London?”
Staring fiercely into my eyes, he says with conviction, “In a heartbeat.”
This man is giving me everything I want. His love, his child, his life. But I can’t accept it. Not until I tell him the truth.
I’ve never been so scared in my life.
With hesitation, I step away from him. My heart is thumping wildly in my chest. “Hayden, there’s something I need to tell you.”
His brows furrow. “You can tell me anything.”
Rubbing my hand up and down my arm, I take a deep breath. “You may not want to be with me after what I’m about to tell you.”
“Alyssa, what’s going on?” he asks with concern.
Nibbling my bottom lip, I avert my eyes. “When I told you I wasn’t pregnant, I lied.” A gust of air expels from my lungs.
His gaze flicks to my stomach, and he narrows his eyes. “Are you saying you’repregnant?”
I nod. “I’m sorry I lied. The day I went for a walk in the park with Harper and the doctor called with the results, I was so confused—scared. Unsure of what my future looked like. And then you asked me about the results with what looked like pure fear on your face, I panicked, and the lie slipped from my mouth. When you looked so relieved, I didn’t know how to tell you the truth.”
Hayden rubs the back of his neck and slowly paces the room. “You’re moving to London. Were you not going to tell me?”
Tears well behind my eyes. “At first, that was the plan.”
He raises an eyebrow. “At first?”
“I knew I couldn’t keep this from you. I needed time to build up the courage to tell you. It was a mistake. It wasn’t fair to you. If I could change things, I would.” Will he forgive me? Will he change his mind about wanting a life with me?
Hayden stops pacing. “I wouldn’t.”
Jerking my head back with surprise, I say, “You wouldn’t?”
He shakes his head, walks toward me, and gathers me into his arms, enveloping me in his warmth. “If you had told me the truth, it might have taken me longer to realize what an idiot I’vebeen. How stupid I was for letting you go. You have nothing to be sorry about. This is on me. I acted like a fool. You are my world, Twinkle Toes. I can’t let you go.”
My head drops onto his chest. This time the tears flow down my cheeks. “Are you sure this is what you want?” I couldn’t bare it if he pushed me away again.
Tilting my face up, he brushes the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs. I stare into his eyes filled with love. “I’ve never been surer of anything in my life. You are it for me. Whether or not there’s a baby. Wherever you go, I go. Tell me you feel the same. Tell me you want me too. Because I love you so fucking much, I feel like my heart is about to explode.”
That’s exactly how my heart feels. “I love you, Hayden. You are it for me too.”
Cupping my cheeks in his hands, his lips crash against mine. We pour everything we have into the kiss. All our love, hopes, and dreams. When we finally pull apart, our chests are heaving and we’re gasping for breath.
He gives me the most beautiful stop-my-heart smile. “London, here we come!”