With a moan, he pushes me onto the bed, and follows. But he doesn’t take things further. Instead, he eases me down from a feral frenzy with tender kisses, and pulls me into his arms. It’s been so long since he’s done that, since he’s been the one to take care of me, I want to cry.
We fall into silence. The mood shifts, slowly at first, like a storm rolling in, that ozone you can taste on the wind. Whatever he’s thinking over there is as turbulent as the memories tormenting me. I feel like I’m still out there on the Bering Sea that night, and the waves are so violent, I can’t hear anything else, and I’m just trying to get to Cole, but I might lose him anyway.
“Do you want to talk about what happened that night?” Cole asks, breaking the silence, giving me hope.
“Do you?” I sling back with a little more hostility than Iprobably should have. He’s never asked, never offered to listen. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I deserve that.”
“No. You don’t. It’s just…” I inhale through my nose. “There are things I’ve needed to talk about. Maybe I would have talked to Seb, but I can’t. You’re the only person I can talk to, and you haven’t been there for me. I’m a little resentful, I guess.”
Cole scoots away, just enough to cleave us apart. Cold air rushes in to replace his body heat, and I roll onto my side to face him.
He’s chewing on his lip, jaw clenched as he looks up at the wooden slats of the top bunk. “If you need to talk, I’ll listen.”
I inhale a quivering breath while my heart skips ahead, then nod. “You blame yourself, but it’s my fault he’s dead. Not yours.”
Cole opens his mouth, probably to disagree, but I speak over him.
“By the time I pulled you back to the surface, Seb had the sling. The waves were a churning nightmare. Worse than I’d ever seen. I thought you were dead. I was bringing you back to bury.”
“I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. “Not your fault, Sunshine.”
He tilts his head to the side, a little shrug that saysbullshit.
“We got you into the sling, and you were on your way up. Seb helped me into the second sling, while I could do nothing more than try to keep my head above water. I was hypothermic, and so far gone I didn’t even notice.”
Cole covers his mouth with his hand, eyes wide with shock, or maybe horror.
“Seb swam us toward the boat, while the guys pulled the rope, but he said it was taking too long. I thought he meant it was taking too long to get back to you, but he was talking about me.”
I inhale a quivering breath. He squeezes my hand and nods for me to continue.
“Seb told me that captains go last, and let go of the sling. I didn’t want him to let go. I tried to stop him, buthe sacrificed himself for me. He wasn’t supposed to die. He had a survival suit. I don’t know why it didn’t work. It should have worked.”
He frowns. “Seb saved you?”
I nod. “He did.”
Cole rises into a seated position, face impassive. He’s slipping away, hiding behind his mask again, but there’s more I have to say. I snag his hand and sit up so fast I bump my head on the top bunk.
“I regret so many things. I should have overridden Seb and sent everyone in before you got hurt. I should have reached you in time to pull you back from the table. I should have brought you inside after you got hurt. If I had done any of those things, you wouldn’t have gone over and Seb wouldn’t have died.”
Teardrops splash on our clasped hands. I look up. Only mine.
“I regret so much about that day,” I continue. “But I don’t regret going in after you without the survival suit. You didn’t have a minute to spare while I geared up. You would have drowned. I had to save you or go down with you. I go where you go, remember?”
“You said it was a stupid rule.”
“Itisa stupid rule, but it’s true. Even if you hurt me, even if you divorce me, even if the only way I can be near you is in the memories inside my head, I go where you go.”
Entire storms rise and fall inside his irises. My stomach sinks.
“I don’t want you to follow that rule anymore.” He climbs off the bed. “I’m going to clean up our mess.”
I blink. “What?”