Tears blur my vision. I blink them back. The winding course out of Puget Sound and into the Pacific requires my full attention.
Hours pass before we reach the open ocean. Working the wheelhouse by myself is depressing, but I’m not alone completely. TheBriar Anterosvibrates beneath me, and groans like a living, breathing thing, my safety amidst a relentless sea.
Javi and Lawrence kept me company for a few hours, lounging on the upholstered bench that replaced the former map desk. Their presence should have comforted me, but I feel like the third wheel now.
They probably don’t recognize this version of me; selfish and irritable, quiet and humorless. I don’t know if they’d even like me if they met me now.
By the end of the day, my jaw aches from clenching it. The muscles in my lower half twist into painful knots, and my bad leg is numb.
My phone vibrates on the console. I snatch it up. “Hey, Shay. Thanks for calling me back.”
Wood scuffs against wood in the background. “Are you going to tell me why you called, or am I supposed to guess?”
“Sorry. Yeah. I want to apologize for being such an asshole. I took my issues out on you, and that wasn’t fair.”
“You took them out on Finn too.”
“I know. Is Finn okay?”
“He was pretty down after you guys left.”
It’s the answer I expected, but it guts me. I don’t know how anyone could forgive me, let alone myself.
“He would have been sad whether you had a tantrum or not,” Shay says gently. “The last time he watched you guys leave, one of you didn’t come back.”
“I should have forced Morgan to stay home.”
“Morgan wouldn’t have let you. Finn wouldn’t have either. Morgan is under strict orders to go with you so you can keep each other safe.”
“That kid deserves a better parent than me.”
“Finn will be okay,” Shay continues, filling in the gaps of silence while I berate myself internally. “A trip to the pinball museum perked him right up, and we had ice cream for dinner. He passed out before I finished his bedtime story.”
“You take great care of him.”
“I can’t forever. I have to go back to school for the spring quarter. If you don’t get your shit together, you’ll force Morgan to parent Finn alone.”
“What?” Shit. That’s three months away. “He never mentioned it.”
“You two don’t talk much.”
“That’s actually the other reason I called. Sort of. I don’t know what will happen between me and Morgan, but I want to fix things with Finn.”
“Cole—”
“I promise I won’t disappear again. I don’t want him to feel like I don’t want him, because I do. It’s just hard for me.” I shake my head. “It’s harder on him, though. Can I video chat with him tomorrow?”
She sighs. “Sure. Do you want me to text you first?”
“Thanks. I don’t want to disappoint him if I don’t answer.” I scrub my stubble with my palm. “I’m not doing this to win Morgan back.”
“I know. You’re an asshole, but you’re not manipulative.”
I laugh. “Can I text you sometimes too? Maybe some pictures or little notes you can give him? And if you have time, could you send me some things I missed? Videos of him learning to swim or anything, really.”
She pauses. “I have time for that.”
“Thank you.” I massage the headache forming between my brows. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”