“Grandpa’s there too,” Finn says. “Where’s yours, Uncle Cole?”
“Um...” Obviously I can’t tell Finn that we only put dead captains up there, so I settle on, “I don’t have one yet.”
“You don’t?” Finn says, eyebrows downturned, like I’m the most pathetic victim of misfortune he’s ever known. “Can I take one with you?”
“Oh, I don’t know…”
Finn snaps his fingers at Morgan in a very Seb sort of way, and hops down from the chair. He pats the seat. “Uncle Cole, over here.”
“I don’t remember you being so bossy when you were four.”
But I do as he asks, posing in Seb’s recently vacated chair with his son in my lap, like I stole his life on purpose.
“Alright, ready?” Morgan asks, blue-green eyes boring into mine.
Let the record show, no. I’m not ready. I will never be ready to live in a world where Seb died.
I force a smile and fight off tears while Finn preens, all amped up to be near me. I feel like a ghost looking in on a world that’s moved on without me while I’m stuck here, haunted by what happened. Even Finn is doing better than I am.
“Let me see,” Finn says.
Morgan shows him the screen so our tiny dictator canapprove. He glances at me for a fleeting second, then murmurs to Shay, “Maybe we shouldn’t have brought him.”
No shit.
Shay squeezes Morgan’s shoulder. “He’s fine. This is good for him.”
“Good for him? None of this is good for him. You know what would be good? If Seb was still here.”
Finn bursts into tears.
Great. I’m acting like a child. No, worse than a child.
Morgan picks him up. “Hey. Don’t cry. Uncle Cole’s just being an asshole.”
It takes a couple minutes for Finn to calm down, while I contemplate taking a header off the bow.
“We should get going, anyway,” Shay says.
“Yeah, okay,” Morgan agrees.
“I’m sorry, Finn. I love you so much.” I kneel and open my arms to offer him a hug. I don’t know if that’s what he wants after the way I acted.
Finn rushes forward and hugs me first. “I love you too, Uncle Cole.”
I embrace him with equal urgency, gratitude tearing through me. “I’m sorry I’m such an asshole.”
“You’re not an asshole. You’re just sad.”
“That’s what screaming into pillows is for, remember?” Morgan says.
“I’ll try that.” I hug Finn tighter and release him reluctantly. “I’m going to miss you so much.”
“I miss you already,” he says.
At first, I think he’s saying it the way I did in that note I left him, but I don’t think that’s it. I think he’s trying to say that he’s missed me ever since I stopped coming around.
I give him one last hug, and then the three of them are gone.