I crinkle my nose, knowing exactly what she’s going to ask.
“I need your full dating history.”
“Do we really have to?” I’m not sure if I have enough bandwidth for all that today. Or ever.
Lex shrugs. “It can’t be as bad as what I’ve already seen.”
“Yeah, but there’s a lot more awkward sex stories.”
Her eyes widen and mouth twists into a grin. “Really? Should we order another drink?”
I chuckle, then sigh. “Fine. Twist my arm.”
We flag down the server and each order a new drink, then settle in for some juicy gossip.
“Do you really want to hear all of it?” I ask.
She nods. “Every last awkward detail.”
“Alright. You asked for it.” I think for a moment. “I already told you about a few when we were in the hospital, do you remember those?”
Lex grimaces. “How could I ever forget the bowling trophy?”
“That’s a classic.” I nod. Then, after thinking for a moment, I raise a finger to begin counting. “There was the time a guy wanted me to meow like a catduringand I jokingly woofed at him. He asked me to leave.”
Lex gives her head a shake, then jots it down. “Okay.”
I raise another finger. “The time I accidentally lit a dude’s pubes on fire with a candle. And then I aggressively put it out with my hands.”
Lex’s dimples quirk at that one. She adds it to her list.
“Ooh! Once after having sex with a guy we went down to the kitchen for a snack and his dad was there, and I recognizedhis dad because we’d been on a date before, and the dad wasmarriedand he and his son got into a big fight. Like, a breaking-and-throwing-shit fight. I had to let myself out.”
“Geez, that sucks. Wait, which date was the dad?” Lex asks, pausing her note-taking.
“He was the pacemaker guy.”
Lex lifts her pen in the air. “Ah, of course.” She scribbles a few more notes. “Anything else?”
I tap my fingers on the table. “That’s the worst of it, I think... Wait. There was this guy who wanted me to lick his butthole on the first date. I said no, and he got mad at me, saying I should since he bought me dinner. As if buying someone dinner means you have to lick their butthole!”
Just as I say this our server approaches with our drinks, her eyes wide in shock. Her face turns several shades of pink as she clears her throat. “Can I get you two anything else?”
“No, thanks,” I say as I take my drink. “Just the bill, when you have a second. On me.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Lex says, a scolding tone to her voice.
“Maybe I just want you to lick my butthole later.” I give her a wink.
The server turns and walks away as fast as she can.
Lex laughs, then gives her head a shake. “I can’t take you anywhere.”
“Nope.” I lick the rim of my margarita suggestively.
“Honestly, though,” she says, getting us back on track, “the entitlement of some people.”
“Right? Like you can ‘earn’ sexual favours by doing something stupid like buying someone dinner, or jewellery, or a bag.”