Loving Theo meant not saving him from himself.
Realisation hurt like hell, and this was the bravest thing I’d ever done.
It was then it hit me.
I’m not fallinginlove with Theo—I already love him.
Theo
I didn’t sleep.
Sleep would have required stillness, and my body refused to stop vibrating with everything I’d buried.
Max’s sofa was too short, the cushions too thin, the ceiling too close. Every time I closed my eyes, Gary’s voice slammed back into me—You don’t realise how much power you have—followed immediately by Cameron’s face, open and trusting in a way that felt like a wound now.
I rolled onto my side, then onto my back. I sat up, elbows on my knees, breathing as though I’d just run up six flights of stairs.
This is what panic feels like when it has nowhere to go.
I dragged my hands through my hair, my palms slick with sweat. My chest felt tight, as if something inside me was trying to claw its way out and I was still trying to keep the door shut.
The worst part?
Gary was right.
Not about Cameron being young or living under my roof, or even about power, but
aboutme.
Idopull away.
Idodisappear when things stop being manageable.
Idoleave before I can be left.
I pressed my fist against my mouth to keep the sound inside me.
All this time I’d been telling myself I was careful, ethical, a responsible adult, but the truth came for me anyway, sharp and undeniable.
I wasn’t protecting Cameron—I was protecting myself from being chosen, from being wanted in a way that wasn’t abstract or theoretical, from someone looking at me and saying,I see all of you—and I’m still here.
Because that’s the risk I’ve never learned how to survive.
My chest ached as Cameron’s voice surfaced in my head, patient, steady, not pleading, not demanding.
He hadn’t needed me to be perfect. He hadn’t asked me to be smaller.
He’d just stayed.
And I ran.
The realisation hit so hard it stole my breath.
I bent forward, my forearms braced on my thighs, staring at the floor as if it might collapse under the weight of everything I carried.
“God,” I whispered. “I don’t want to be this man anymore.”
The words trembled in the dark, sounding raw and unfamiliar.