“It’s not that I don’t want it. It’s that…” He clammed up and I waited.
This is something to do with Luka.I felt it in my bones.
He exhaled. “Luka made it feel like something I had to earn. Something he allowed me. He wanted me quiet. Controlled. Restrained. I wasn’t allowed to want anything. He made me think that letting someone else take the lead meant I was weak. Or messy. Or… wrong.”
I didn’t think I could hate someone I’d never met, but in that moment, I loathed Luka with every fibre of my body.
Theo’s voice dropped further. “When you say you want to top me… I don’t think about sex first. I think about what it felt like to be told I wasn’t allowed to exist during it.”
My eyes burned. “Oh, Theo…”
Theo continued, his voice fraying. “Being topped wasn’t pleasure. It was a performance. For him, not me.” Before I could get a word out, he blurted, “But I want to let go, to be loud. I want to feeleverything. I want to stop being afraid of my own body wanting yours.”
I traced a fingertip down his cheek. “If the day comes when we do that, it’ll be becauseyouwant it. Because you feel safe. Because you trust me to take care of you, not because you feel controlled.” He shivered, and I kissed him. “And when you let go? I won’t silence you. I’ll want every sound you make. I’m asking for all of you. And I’ll give you all of me right back.” Another kiss. “Whenever you’re ready.”
Theo expelled a breath, and I held him close. When my stomach growled, I chuckled.
“I think that’s my cue to feed us.” I cupped his cheek. “And then I want to curl up on the couch with you. If that’s okay.”
Theo smiled, and relief flooded me. “That sounds good. But let me do the cooking.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’ve eaten my cooking and you’re still alive.”
He laughed as he got up off the couch. “Yeah, but I have the unshakeable feeling that you’re just lulling me into a false sense of security.” He walked naked into the kitchen.
I lay on the couch, staring at the ceiling.
Love is supposed to feel louder than this, like fireworks or obsession or wanting something so badly it hurts.
There were moments when this felt steady.
And then it hit me.
I didn’t fall in love when I first wanted Theo.
I didn’t fall in love when we kissed.
I fell in love when Theo needed me afterward, when I became a place Theo could land without fear. And I knew with calm certainty that whatever came next, whatever storms or mistakes or fear we have to work through, I’d made my choice.
I choose him.
Theo just didn’t know it yet.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Theo
I’d deliberately keptout of Cameron’s way while he worked. Not that I minded working in my room. The quiet helped me to concentrate.
Most of the time.
Cameron had a way of sneaking into my thoughts. If I closed my eyes, I was back on that couch in a heartbeat, driving into him, feeling his body tight around my cock, seeing the flush spread over his chest and neck, hearing his moans of pleasure.
I could also remember how amazing it felt to fall asleep curled around him, warm and safe.
That feeling of being safe was addictive.
The soft knock on my door made me smile. “Yes, Iwouldlike more tea,” I called out.