And then I met Luka.
Luka wasn’t the beginning of my caution; he was the proof of it.
Luka hadn’t broken something whole. He’d found the fracture line that had always been there and pressed until it split.
My father had taught me silence was strength. My mother had taught me precision was love.
Luka had taught me how those things could be used to cage you, and how much worse it feels when you realise you built the lock yourself.
That was why I counted things now. The seconds before speaking. The number of beats between Cameron’s laughter and my own. The breath betweendon’tandwant. It wasn’t control, not really.
It was containment.
“Talk to me.” Max spoke quietly. “Because I’m not budging until you do.”
I sighed. “Do you know what life has taught me so far? That affection comes with conditions, approval can be withdrawn without warning, and stability is performance-based. So whensomething good happens? My body expects the correction. It’s pre-emptive grief.
If it feels good, it won’t last. If it matters, it’ll hurt. If I’m happy, something’s about to go wrong.”
“And what has thinking that way got you?”
I swallowed hard. “A tight chest, difficulty breathing, insomnia, hypervigilance…”
“And sadness.”
I shook my head. “Not sadness, more like the fear of joy.”
“Tell me about last night.” Max leaned forward. “And no, I don’t mean the juicy bits. Tell me how youfelt.”
I took a deep breath. “Sex with Cameron wasn’t casual. It wasn’t even physical release. It was intimacy, unguarded, unplanned. And…” I looked him in the eye. “I let go.”
His breathing hitched.
I couldn’t stop, not now I’d finally gotten the ball rolling.
“After years of equating letting go with danger—with Luka’s manipulation, with emotional collapse —my nervous system is now screamingWhat did you do? You weren’t supposed to feel that much. You weren’t supposed to need someone.” Another hard swallow. “So I’m not panicking because something went wrong. I’m panicking because it went right.” I took a drink from my cup. “For so long, sex meant perform, please, stay quiet, be controlled…”
“And now?”
Now it meant Cameron’s hands in my hair, Cameron whispering my name.
I wanted him, and he wanted me right back.
I inhaled. “For the first time, it means pleasure without shame, and that contradiction is rattling me.” I stared into my coffee. “Cameron has now seen me undone, vulnerable, losing control… He’s seen mewantingand I spentyearsensuring no one ever saw that.”
“And now someone has.” Max leaned back. “And that someone is young, brilliant, emotionally open?—”
Someone I believe deserves better than me.
Max let out a sigh. “Okay,nowI get it. I think I see why you’re panicking.”
I blinked. “You do? Then share.”
He regarded me steadily. “You’re thinkingWhat if he regrets it? What if I scared him?
What if last night was a mistake for him?Because you’ve now realised last night wasn’t just sex. You’re in love with him, and apparently your brain knew this before you did.” He smiled. “You’re panicking not because last night was bad, but because itmattered.”
It was more than that. I was already imagining losing Cameron. Before anything had the chance to go wrong, my mind was leaping ahead to Gary finding out, Cameron outgrowing me, Cameron wanting someone less damaged…