“You’re right,” my voice shook. “You don’t know shit.”
I shoved him with my shoulders, crashing into his chest.
“Iknowif he loved you the way you say he does, then he would have walked the hell away instead of dragging you back into the shit you just escaped from. They both would have.”
“Really?” The sky broke open. “How do you show your love, Finn? Show up with flowers, fuck her sweetly, become her crutch in the hard moments? That’s not love. That’s Valentine’s Day bullshit.”
“No, Daphne, that is a healthy relationship, which you clearly know nothing about.”
“You weren’t there,” my voice cracked. “Dying in someone’s arms night after night, watching the world choose everyone else but you. You weren’t there for the gunshots. Or hiding in dumpsters to survive the storms. You’ve never had to shiver under a bridge, with one other heartbeat keeping you alive.”
A messy tear streaked down my face when I let the wave hit.
“Daph?” Finn took a step back, but it was too late to recover. Where could he possibly run that the sunshine could not find him?
“And you really weren’t there when I had to shove used napkins into my panties because tampons were two dollars too much, or give that one guy a blow job so I could pay the drug dealer fifty bucks for antibiotics for an abscessed tooth.”
Finn swallowed, his beautiful existence cutting down his perfect throat.
“What?” I laughed, throwing my hands in the air. “You’ve never had to suck a dick for dental care? That’s lucky for you.” I laughed, letting my life spill in strange splotches. “But do you know whowasthere? Not just to wipe the cum from my lips, but to break the bastard who made me do it.” I moved closer, feeling like a shadow. A cat. A fuckingWolfe.
“Thay!” I pointed to my heart. “Wolfe,” I clawed. “Nathem. Jessie. Blade. We’re all there for me. Have you ever loved anyone that much?”
I held his gaze.
“Well, have you?”
Finn didn’t speak.
“No. You haven’t. I didn’t ruin my life, Finn. That already happened. He’s the only thing that makes it better.”
Tears streamed into my throat, my marrow, the place you hope God listens.
“You can’t save him simply by loving him enough, Daphne. And just because you are a good person doesn’t mean that he is,” Finn said, putting both hands on my shoulders and looking me square in the eye.
Finn was whole, and I did not want to break him.
“Tell Sylvie, I am sorry I had to leave,” I wiped my face with the back of my sleeve. “Make sure she is sleeping on her left side,and tell her to quit eating the salty shit or she is going to end up on fetal monitors and Pitocin.”
“Daphne,” Finn caught my arm, and I stopped. “I am always here if you need to get out.”
“Get out? Of Thay?” I smiled, hoping he would hear me clearly. “That is never going to happen, Finn. Not ever.”
Finn’s eyes dulled, but I didn’t care. In hours, they’d brighten again, the weight of me evaporating under the sting of a hot shower. I squeezed his arm and veered into the street.
Buzz.
“Hey?” I answered, pulling away when Kandy shouted at me from the other line.
“I forbid you from leaving Maine,” she ordered in a cold huff, and I could all but picture her standing in the kitchen with her hands on her hips. I had texted her this morning to let her know that some of the crew would stop by to grab a couple of my things. “And from moving out to live with your trauma daddy!”
I hung up the phone instantly and buried it deep into my pocket when a series of angry buzzes vibrated against my thigh.
Nope.
Just breathe, Daphne. Just motherfucking breathe.
Thay advised me to stay put for a couple of days so they could address the threats against my life. I didn’t let my mind venture too far past the idea of Lyla lying cold in a basement in Seattle. Her death might not have been directly my fault, but the Underworld was such a tangled mess that you never knew for sure. In fact, they probably kept it that way. If you did not know who was pulling the strings, you never had to feel sorry. The benefits of cortisol and survival mode.