FIFTEEN
Willa
I was so…
I didn’t really know, not exactly. Happy, yes. Also…sad? Confused?
I’d wanted a baby for so long, been told my whole life it was what Ishouldwant, but now that it was happening, I wasn’t sure how to feel. Since I’d escaped the homestead—nearly a month ago now, even if it felt like a lifetime—I’d learned that I wanted so many things. I wanted to explore the whole ranch, navigate the creek, meet every goat on the Holts’ land. I wanted to chart the topography of Forrest’s body, learn the little scars, trace his jaw until I remembered it by heart. I wanted to read. I wanted to write. I wanted to teach, wanted to work at the diner.
And more than anything, even more than having a baby…I wanted tobe a Holt.
I’d never had a home before, and now I did. A home with people who made me feel safe and warm and welcome.
Now, I was going to have a Holt baby.
It was terrifying. Exhilarating.
…confused.
Forrest kept his hand on my knee as we drove back from the doctor’s office, and I kept my eyes out the window—watching theHill Country roll by under the big blue Texas sky. Forrest wanted me to be his wife. I wanted, desperately, to be his wife. The baby was just…incidental. But I didn’t know how I felt about the fact that he’d askedbecauseof the baby.
I wanted the baby.
I wanted Forrest.
I wanted the Holts.
I didn’t want this to feel compulsory, not any of it.
“Forrest,” I said quietly.
“Yeah, beautiful?”
He washappy.I could see it in his eyes, crinkled at the corners, a smile he couldn’t get rid of.
“You didn’t just ask me to marry you because of the baby, right?”
He made a confused sound in the back of his throat, shook his head. “Well…no. I want to keep you safe?—”
“That’s not what I want either though.”
He glanced over at me, one eye still on the road. “Tell me what you want, Willa.”
I pulled my hand away from him, twisting it in my lap instead. “When I escaped…I don’t know what I wanted. I should be happy, I—Iamhappy. But I think I want…I don’t want you to ask until you’re doing it for you? We can still be together, I want this baby, I want to stay—but I don’t want to…I was trapped a long time. I don’t ever want to trap somebody else.”
He was quiet for a moment, both hands on the wheel now, gripping it tight.
“You’re right,” he said.
I looked at him.
“The practical version came out first,” he said. “That’s true. The baby, the documentation, keeping you safe…all of that was real and true and I meant it.” He paused. “I alsowantto marryyou, Willa, but wearemoving fast. I’m as scared I’m trapping you as you are of trapping me.”
“I’m not—you know I would leave if I wanted to?—”
“I know that, but you just…” He waved his hand around, gesturing toward outside, the world. “You’ve barely seen what life has to offer, and I’m not—I might seem perfect on the surface, but I’m not. It’s taken me three years to get over Sophie, and that’s not…she’s still gonna be here. That’s not going to go away. I’m always going to love her.” He paused. “And I’m older than you. Thirteen years, and…Haven and Wyatt make it work, I’m not saying that’s a dealbreaker. But it would be for a lot of women.”
I thought about that. It was strange…ever since I’d gotten out, I’d thought of Forrest as the boy next door, but he wasn’t a boy. He’d been in love before, he had a whole life.