“Yeah.”
“Write it down. Get it out. Put it in words somewhere. It doesn’t matter if you send it to her or not. The letter isn’t for her. It's for you, okay? Write down everything you want to say to her, you need to say to her. Then you try to move forward the best you can. Put one foot in front of the other, just do the next right thing.”
“Anyone ever tell you you’re pretty wise?”
“All the time.” I can hear her smiling through the phone.
“Thanks, Mom.”
“You’re welcome. I love you, Kai. It’s going to be okay, you know.”
“How do you know?”
“Let’s just say I have a sixth sense about these things. And really, there isn’t any other option, is there?”
“Yeah, I guess not.”
Later on my return flight home, I reflect on the past twenty-four hours. My spur of the moment decision to board a plane for North Carolina and my frantic search for Kendall. My fleeting glimpses of hope mixed with the impending feeling of dread. My father’s obvious disdain and my mother’s words of guidance. I’d been unsuccessful in finding her, leaving me feeling more defeated than ever. I could never quite figure out what I did rightin my life to deserve Kendall. As a friend or a partner. But I also never thought I did anything that warranted losing her either. Not like this. Not without any fucking answers. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I’m not ready to give her up and I doubt I ever will be. Some piece of me will always belong to her.
I have my career to look forward to, but what is that worth, what does that mean without her? I guess I’m about to find out.
I take out a piece of paper from my carry on and begin writing.
Chapter 65
Kendall
Theonlywarninghegets is a text that says, “I’m coming over.” Thirty minutes later, I’m standing outside his penthouse door pounding ferociously.
“Let me in, Kai, I know you’re in there,” I yell before knocking again.
I had finally bit the bullet and read one of Kai’s letters. We’ve been working on our relationship, we’re in a good place.I can do this,I reasoned. The letter was dated December 8, 2016. Roughly three months after I had moved to North Carolina to live with my Aunt Vicky. I quickly found out I very much couldn’t do it, not without huge ramifications. His letter was endearing and heartfelt at times but there were also things that had been difficult to read and digest. I couldn’t pin down my feelings, the pendulum swinging between grief and frustration, anger and relief. Even now, I’m feeling so many conflicting emotions I don’t know where to begin. But the one I feel like I’m drowning in, really the only one that matters, is love.
He opens up the door groggy and confused. He's squinting at me trying to block the harsh light from the hallway with hishand. He’s wearing boxers that might as well be painted onto his muscular body and nothing else.
“Ken? What’s wrong? What are you doing here?” he asks, alarmed. I realize now how crazy I must seem, how completely insane this is. It was pouring when I left my house and I forgot an umbrella. The trek from my car to his apartment has left me looking like a drenched sewer rat. I swipe the arm of my damp sweatshirt across my face in an attempt to appear halfway decent.
“Can I come in? I texted you. Sorry about just showing up here.”
“Of course,” he replies, holding the door open for me and ushering me inside. We’re standing at the entrance of his apartment right next to the sleek, modern open kitchen. I carefully pull the folded, handwritten letter out of my pants pocket. It had suffered the fate of a few raindrops, but still appears to be legible. We stare at each other for a few moments silently. His eyes flick to the paper in my hand and back to me.
“What’s going on, Ken? What is that?” he asks, taking a step toward me.
“I read one of the letters you wrote me tonight,” I admit. “It was the first one I’ve ever read.”
“Ken, I wrote those a long time ago, I—"
“North Carolina.” I blurt out cutting him off. “Did you come to North Carolina to look for me?” I demand.
“Of course I did.” It’s the certainty, the sureness of his words that cause my knees to buckle. It’s fact, truth, an inevitability. They all blend together to tell me the only thing I really need to know. And that is that Kai wasn’t going to let me walk away without putting up a fight. And he hadn’t.
“Why?” I’m shaking now, my bottom lip quivering. Tears are falling freely from my eyes and I’m not even sure why. But I needto push through whatever this feeling is. He sighs, dragging his palm down his face.
“Because I missed you. Because I was heartbroken. Because I was fucking miserable without you and you just disappeared without a word.” He’s moved closer to me now, his mouth centimeters from mine. “We have the kind of love people only dream about. The kind of love that is worth fighting for. The kind of love that feels so good and hurts so fucking bad. The kind of love that breaks you apart and puts you back together again. So that’s what I was doing, trying to put the pieces of us back together again. I was trying to figure out how we veered so far—"
But he doesn’t get a chance to finish his sentence because my lips are on his. Kissing away his words, the pain, the heartbreak, the mistakes. There’s only this, only us. The heat of his hands and the pounding of my heart. The desperation of our love. He gathers me in his arms, holding me tightly. I plant panicked, anguished kisses on his cheek, my lips skimming his jawbone and then I move to his neck and trail kisses along the column of his throat. I curl myself tighter into his embrace, my head resting against his chest.
You’re perfect. I want to say.I was so stupid and reckless all those years ago. I love you, I have always been in love with you and it runs deeper and burns brighter than it ever has.