“What do you mean?” she asks, leaning forward in her chair. So, I tell them thething. The only thing that might close the chasm between what I did and where we are now. The weight that’s been sitting on my chest for almost three years. I explain how Kai’s dad had cornered me when I was at my most vulnerable and forced me into an impossible position. That he had taken advantage of the fact that I was confused and powerless. How ultimately, he added to the list of reasons I felt like my only options were an abortion or raising Akio without Kai. I tell them the whole story from start to finish. Onlystopping to refill wine glasses and take out a carton of ice cream to pacify the ever-growing shitstorm I had created.
“That son of a bitch,” Mom barks. “I‘ll kill him.”
“I don’t even know what to say,” Mommy says, her mouth agape. “How could he do this? We were friends with them for decades!”
“I know, he was just being protective of Kai,” I respond.
“That’s not an excuse for this kind of behavior, Kendall. Does Kai know?”
“No, but I think I have to tell him, sooner rather than later.”
“Is this part of the reason you wanted to move and break off contact with Kai?” Mom asks, her brows knit together tightly. I nod, my gaze swinging between both of them. There’s an understanding there, a confirmation. I don’t want them to press me anymore on the subject and thankfully, they don’t.
Shortly after this, we retire to the couch, everyone in need of a good distraction. My moms sit down on either end and I nestle myself in between them. Mommy grabs the remote off the coffee table and starts an episode of Gilmore Girls.
“Gilmore girls, wine, and a gallon of ice cream can cure a multitude of ills,” she observes digging into the open container of moose tracks. “Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.”
“Aren’t you full of inspirational wisdom,” Mom quips, leaning back against the couch. I laugh quietly to myself while wiping the remnants of my salt stained tears from my face. I bring a spoonful of ice cream to my lips and finally, I can breathe a sigh of relief. A thousand pound weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
Now I just have to tell Kai.
***
Ileavemymoms’housethe next day with a box of mementos I forgot had even existed. They urged me to take it home with me now that they know about everything. They claimed it was finally time to dig into the past and they’re probably right. I peer into the box. Friendship bracelets Kai, Jenna, and I had made in second grade. My senior prom corsage. Letters Kai had written me after I left for North Carolina, a framed picture of us at our college graduation, and an old sweatshirt of his. My mom had tried to give me the letters while I was still pregnant with Akio. I refused to open them then. I couldn’t. It would only have made things harder.
Now when I try to bring my trembling fingers to tear open the envelopes, I still can’t do it. Fear, regret, and shame all morph together to form a lump that perches in my throat. I hastily shove the letters back in the plastic crate and return my hands to the steering wheel.
I have to manage one fire at a time and I doubt what I need after last night is reading hate mail from Kai. I would read them eventually. But not now. Because the horrible, unfortunate truth is that Kai couldn’t despise the person I was back then any more than I despised myself.
Chapter 40
Kendall
2016
It’sbeenaweeksince I took the pregnancy test and we’re no closer to making a decision we can both live with. Except that Kai thinks we are. I told him I was going to the clinic, that I had made an appointment. And I did, but I’m not entirely sure I can go through with it.
Can I do this and somehow move on with my life?
Will I regret it?
Will the pain consume me until there’s nothing left?
I have biological parents out there somewhere who decided to keep me and eventually put me up for adoption. Wasn’t that better than what I’m now considering? But the thought of this child growing up in a different family, always wondering why they weren’t wanted, living a life that’s supposed to be with me and Kai—I can’t quite stomach that either.
Kai and I fought all morning. All he wants is to drive me to the appointment and I keep refusing. Probably because deep down, I know my heart won’t let me do it. Then he rushed out early for practice and something about the way we left thingsmakes me uneasy. Like this is something our relationship won’t survive.
Seated at my kitchen table, I let the warmth and steam from my coffee surround me. Then I hear a brisk knock on my door. I undo the lock and deadbolt to find Mr. Matsumoto, Kai’s dad, standing on the front porch.
What the hell is he doing here? How does he even know where I live?He’s carrying an umbrella and shuffling back and forth from one foot to the other.
“Hi, Kendall, can I come in?” he asks, closing the umbrella and fastening the clasp.
“Sure,” I reply, holding my front door open for him. He has light blue scrubs on underneath his jacket and white sneakers. He clearly just finished a shift at the hospital and came straight here. He seems tired and on edge, like he’d rather be anywhere but in my apartment.
“Is everything okay? What are you doing here?” I question, worried, as if my day could get any more stressful.
“I don’t want to take up too much of your time—so I’ll be brief. I know about the pregnancy, the baby.” I feel my knees buckle, the ground beneath my feet unsteady.