“I’m good with whatever you want, Ken.”
“Okay. But are you sure? I mean, it’s getting kind of late. Maybe I should get going,” she suggests.
“No,” I say quickly and probably louder than necessary. “I mean, if you want to go that’s fine, if you’d be more comfortable at your apartment. But I want you to stay.”
“Good. I want to stay. Sleeping without you for years…” she hesitates “I hated it.”
Fuck it. We’ve already crossed so many lines tonight, what’s one more?
“I want you to stay. Not just tonight, or tomorrow, or the next couple weeks. I want you to stay with me permanently. Being apart from you and Akio night after night just feels wrong,” I explain, sitting up.
A million emotions cross her face before she finally speaks. “What are you saying, Kai?” she implores, her voice climbing a few octaves.
“I’m saying I want you both to move in with me.”
“So, let me get this straight, we are taking things slow but you want me and our son to move in with you?” she asks incredulously, both hands plastered to her temples.
“I mean, when you put it like that, it sounds insane,” I admit, laying my head back against the headboard. “But I know you must feel it too, that pull for all of us to be together in one place…” I say, moving my hands up and down her thighs in a soothing motion. It’s a fantasy, a far-fetched dream. I know that but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. She proceeds to dive face first into a pillow and let out a dramatic groan.
“Of course I feel it, Kai. But we can’t just move in together. Akio doesn’t even know you’re his father yet. Let’s think about this realistically and logistically. There are a lot of things we need to do before we commit to making a life transition that big. We just aren't there yet.”
I sigh, realizing she’s right but the disappointment sits heavy on my chest.
“I know, I just miss you both so much when I’m not with you.” She scoots closer to me, leans over, and cradles my face in both her hands.
“We miss you too,” she pauses to place a kiss on my lips. “It’s not a no, okay? It’s a not yet,” she explains, and her serious penetrating gaze gives me a small kernel of hope. “Repeat it, Kai. I need you to understand that I’m all in. I’m not rushing things and I’m not doing anything that would harm this relationship again. If that means waiting to move in together until we’re both on the same page and Akio is well adjusted, then so be it.” I look at her and I know I can’t argue with her logic or her reasoning. This is the right call even if it feels like a loss.
“It’s not a no, it’s a not yet,” I echo solemnly.
“But I want you to keep asking, okay?” she continues cautiously, threading her fingers through mine.
“What do you mean?” I stare at her, trying to read her expression.
“I want you to keep asking. I mean, not every day and probably not for a while. But I want you to keep asking. Because eventually, it’s going to be a yes.”
I had already waited three excruciating years for her. I could wait until eventually came around. Even if it felt wrong, even if that tugging in my chest got stronger and louder. I would wait forever for them.
“Where is he tonight by the way? I miss him,” I admit.
“I dropped him off with my moms’ before I came here,” she replies. “He fell asleep on the way there so hopefully he sleeps okay for them tonight.”
“Is he a good sleeper typically?” I wonder. God there’s been so much that I missed. It felt suffocating at times. All the more reason to have them here at my apartment with me.
“For the most part, sometimes he’ll wake up crying from a bad dream or he’s inconsolable when he’s sick. But aside from that he sleeps through the night.”
“What else? Fill me in on everything. What does he like? Is he a picky eater? What is he into right now?”
“He’s a little quieter than most kids. I imagine he’s exactly like you were at that age. He’s an observer, very curious and pays close attention to his surroundings. I don’t think we ever have to worry about stranger danger with him. You know he loves superheroes, Spider-Man, dinosaurs. Anything involving Paw Patrol. He’s really into opening and closing doors and drawers right now. That’s like this thing. He’s kind of picky but he’ll also try new foods every once in a while. Like a few weeks ago he started eating mango and avocado.” She pauses for a secondand I take everything in. “What else…oh his best friend at the moment is Maddox. They are total opposites, but it works. We met him and his mom at library play group. You should come sometime if you can.”
“Okay, I will,” I respond, delighted.
“You will?”
“Of course. I’d love to.”
Chapter 37
Kendall