My dad was okay. He provided for us, made sure we had a roof over our head and everything we needed and then some.But as a doctor, he worked long hours and he wasn’t around a lot. He never really cared to know who I was. He still doesn’t—sometimes I think all he sees when he looks at me is raw athletic talent and ability. My worth directly proportional to how well I perform. I want it to be different with me and Akio. But now isn’t the time to mention that. I’ve dumped enough on Aiden already.
“Thanks,” I mutter. “So, speaking of women, are you settling down anytime soon or still living the bachelor life?”
He studies the back of his beer bottle while rolling it between his thumb and forefinger.
“You know I haven’t had a serious girlfriend since Leah,” he confirms without averting his eyes.
“Why do we always love the girls that break our hearts?” I wonder out loud more to myself than anyone else.
He snorts. “I don’t know man. That’s a loaded fucking question though.”
“So, you think I should try and work it out with her?” I eye him anxiously, half expecting he’ll tell me to cut my losses and move on.
“Look man, all I’m saying is if I had a second chance to fix things with Leah, I would. You have to decide if Kendall is worth it and I’m pretty sure she is.”
I lift my glass of club soda in response, wishing it were a fucking beer, and tip it against his. “To the girls that broke our hearts.”
***
Laterthatnight,whenI’m in bed, I replay my conversation with Aiden in my head. I think about how my dad raised me with a cold unforgiving hand. All the trouble Aiden and I used to get into mostly over Kendall. I spend a long time getting lost in forgotten memories, and start to worry thatmaybe I have no idea what it takes to be a father. Mine certainly didn’t.
“Fighting, Kai? What is going on with you? You have tarnished your name, brought dishonor to this family, and probably turned away any scouts that might have been coming to watch you play this season. Colleges don’t want to admit division one athletes that have records, Kai,” my dad yells.
“I know, Dad. I know. I’m sorry,” I plead.
“What happened between you and Aiden?” he demands, sitting down at the kitchen table and taking a swig of seltzer.
“He called Kendall a slut so I punched him and then he tackled me. And you know the rest.”
“This kind of behavior is a disgrace, Kai. You know what we expect of you and you know damn well what the stakes are. You need to fix this mess,” he instructs icily. His voice remains neutral this time, his words clipped. But it didn’t matter because his word was law in this house. I knew exactly what he expected of me. Perfection. Anything else was considered unacceptable. I had stepped out of line for maybe the first time in my entire life. And while my dad’s approval and love were unattainable, I still fought for scraps of them.
My mom chimes in, “While that is particularly vile of Aiden and he can be an arrogant little shit sometimes, fighting is not going to solve anything. We don’t solve problems like that in this family,” she explains matter of factly.
“Right, we sweep them under the rug instead,” I grumble under my breath.
“What did you say?” my father presses, gripping the glass in his hand.
“Nothing,” I respond.
“This could hurt your grades and your college prospects, and I don’t think you want either of those things to happen. You are grounded indefinitely. You go to school, practice, home,that’s it. You’re going to ask for and complete any extra credit assignments in all your classes. And evenings will be spent doing homework. No phone, no computer, no TV. No Kendall.” My mom lays out the parameters of my punishment and of all the restrictions they make, the last one hits the hardest.
“Don’t forget community service,” I reply with a little too much snark.
“Do you think this is a game?” my dad questions, narrowing his eyes at me.
“We have worked our entire lives to make sure you have a bright future and every opportunity you could want. We raised you to be smart, hardworking, and empathetic. We didn’t teach you to lash out or raise you to be violent,” my mom cuts in, her words dripping with disappointment.
“I have always been the dutiful son and done whatever is asked of me. I have a 4.0 and I’m in three AP classes. I’ve started varsity in two sports since sophomore year. I am hardworking and empathetic. I made one mistake. It doesn’t erase all the positive that I’ve done up until now. But it’s exhausting trying to be perfect all the time,” I explain slightly relieved.
“We don’t expect you to be perfect, Kai, but we do expect you to make better choices than this,” she counters.
“Well, I do feel like I’ve had to be perfect ever since…” my voice trails off and my throat feels thick.
“Ever since what?” my mom probes, looking concerned.
“Never mind. Forget it. I made a poor choice and I messed up. It won’t happen again. I promise,” I state feeling dejected.
“Good.” She looks at my dad for reassurance, but he continues staring at his drink. Like he’ll find answers about his failure of a son at the bottom of it. His silence cuts me deeper than his words. I quietly excuse myself from the table and head upstairs.