“What are you talking about?” he growls.
“Where exactly do you think Ryo is right now?” I press.
He scoffs in irritation, “He’s obviously in California.”
I huff out a dry, mirthless laugh. “He is in Thailand at one of my beach houses and has been for the last three months. He took a leave of absence from med school because he was having panic attacks and couldn’t focus. And if you think for one second that you didn’t have a hand in making him this way, you’re in fucking denial.”
My dad’s face immediately crumples into abject horror, drained of its color. “No. No, he would have told me.” He shakes his head in disbelief.
“Would he? Why would he think that talking to you would have solved anything? Anything short of perfection was unacceptable in this house. Jesus, we were terrified of even shitting the wrong way,” I reply.
“That’s enough,” my mom declares firmly and I can hear her plea,You’ve done enough damage, let it be.
“Fine. I’m done anyways,” I relent.
“I was trying to protect you. Everything I have ever done has been out of love,” he reasons quietly and the worst part is, I think he truly believes that. I assume he’s done but then he trudges on mercilessly.
“I wasn’t the warmest dad, so what? I never beat you, neglected you. Never left you for days on end without food or water wondering when I’d be back. And I refused to let you grow up with less than you needed to survive. You three had a roof over your head, food on the table, and endless sports camps, recitals, and competitions. You lived in a fucking dream.” I think he’s so close to saying my dream, but he doesn’t. I want him to admit it so badly, his bitter envy of the life he worked so hard to give us. “So I was a little cold, a little distant. What father isn’t from time to time? I’ve given you and your brother and sister everything you could possibly need. And this is how you repay me?”
I hear all the things he can’t say. I gave you the life I never had, the one I always wanted. And my dad had a hard life. I know that even if it was never said out loud. I picked up pieces and snippets over the years from my mom. He had to raise his four younger siblings mostly by himself. They grew up in what would amount now to a shack in relentless poverty. And it would seem that after his youth was spent nurturing them, caring for them, and protecting them, he didn’t have any of that left over when it came to his own children. I couldn’t exactly blame him but I couldn’t justify his actions either. Not anymore.
Because what do we owe our parents exactly? What debt and for how long? For helping us survive and succeed in this fucked up world? And what do they owe us? Is it our burden to guide their inner child along a gentler path? Do we bear any responsibility for helping them heal the wounds and horrors they endured throughout their life?
I don’t have those answers. I probably never will. I can make peace with my dad showing his love the only way he knows how. Eventually. But his blatant disgust and attack of my relationship with Kendall? Stabbing me in the back all while smiling in my face for years? The selfish cruel decision that could have resulted in me not having a son? I don’t think I can forgive that.
“This might be the last time I ever speak to you. So, I’m going to ask you one more time and I hope you tell me the truth. Why did you do this?”
There’s a panicked look in his eyes as they dart between me and my mom. “You have your own son now. Wouldn’t you do anything to protect him to make sure his future was secure? I never wanted you to struggle the way I did.” Healmostsounds remorseful. I realize this conversation is about as close as I’m going to get to an apology because my dad doesn’t have one empathetic bone in his body.
“I would never do something like this to Akio,” I reply calmly. “I would never intentionally harm him or cause him pain. You don’t do that to people you love, Dad.” He stares at me wide eyed in horror, while the full impact of his choices catches up to him. What’s that saying—heal so your children don’t have to? My father didn’t but I will. I will make sure Akio never feels the pain my father was quick to inflict on me and my siblings. That he never has to question whether he is loved or worthy or enough.
“This conversation is over. Come on, Ken, we’re leaving,” I tell them, striding towards the front door.
Once Kendall’s hand is in mine, I turn back around to address my father. “I don’t want you anywhere near me, Kendall, or our son. I don’t want a single fucking thing from you anymore or ever again,” I say, letting the door slam on our way out.
He probably didn’t think he would lose me over this, that I would wage a war over Kendall. But he should have known I would burn down the whole fucking world for her, for them.
Chapter 77
Kendall
We’resittingintheparking lot outside my apartment in Kai’s car. Usually, this is where I would ask if he wants to stay over, but I can tell by the tension in his shoulders, the rigid set of his jaw, and the excruciating silence that we’ll probably be sleeping alone tonight. The humidity in the air is heavy and suffocating. There’s only the console between him and I but it might as well be a thousand miles.
“I think I’m going to stay at my place tonight,” he declares, eyes trained on the steering wheel. “I need a little time, a little space to think.” He taps the wheel a few times with his thumb.
“Okay, I understand. Whatever you need.” I bite my bottom lip, worry pulsing in my chest. “What if you can’t forgive me?” It’s so incredibly selfish, such a desperate question and still, I need to hear his answer.
“I will,” he states definitively.
“But what if you can’t?” I press harder. “And honestly, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.” I had just blown up his family, caused irreparable damage in a matter of minutes. I would understand if he hated me for that and couldn’t move past it.It would crush me I’m sure, losing him a second time is not something I think I’d recover from. But there is a steep price to pay for my secrets, my lies. I just hope it doesn’t cost us our future.
“Kendall, I will because there is no other option than us being together and staying together. There’s no explanation for it other than I love you and we will find a way to make this work."
“Even if it’s hard and painful and ugly?”
“Yes, even if it’s all those things. I thought you understood by now that I am never letting you go again. You are stuck with me.” He smiles, although it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
I’m not super hopeful but it will have to suffice for now. He deserves the time and space to process all this bullshit that I’ve kept wrapped up tightly for years.