But I have to know, everything. I have to keep going even if it hurts us.
“Did you want him, a baby back then?” I blurt out quickly, before I lose the nerve. He stares at me for a moment, contemplating. I need to hear him say the words.
“Yes, I wanted him. I’ve always wanted kids, you knew that. And I always wanted them with you.”
“But I need to know specifically, did you want this baby, our baby at the height of your career?” Why I need to know his answer, feel the need to keep hurting myself I’ll never understand.
“Yes.” He’s certain. Steadfast. Unwavering. He always had been. His eyes never stray from mine. It feels like a thousand knives piercing my chest, a vice around my heart. A physical blow to my stomach would have hurt far less. Because I realize now Kai loved hockey with every fiber of his being, but he loved me and Akio more.How could I have gotten things so wrong?
“Did you?” he asks, his eyes seeing more than I’m willing to say.
Did I? Have I ever been as certain about anything as Kai had been about every decision he has ever made?
“Honestly. I don’t know. But I couldn’t survive grieving the loss of him. That much I knew.”
It’s hard to say. As soon as I held Akio, I was positive. I would never love another thing on earth the way I love him. But before…the unknown, the waiting, the anticipating. The time between conceiving him and accepting him as a real thing, as my son. That time is so foggy to me. It’s hard to untangle from everything else. Wrapped up in fear and anxiety. All those overwhelming thoughts threaten to take over again.
“What else? Is there more you need to say, Kendall? Things you’ve been holding on to that you might want to release?” Magdalena knows we’re approaching a breakthrough. I can feel it like a chord pulled taut in the room, ready to snap with one revelation.
This is it. It’s now or never.
“Before I left for North Carolina, your dad came to see me. He knew about the baby somehow—"
“What are you talking about?” Kai interjects. “There’s no way my dad could have known about this, Kendall. He would have told me.”
“Well, he did and he asked me not to tell you,” I respond.
“He asked you not to tell me what? What is going on?” he asks, his panicked voice rising.
My head is in my hands now, tears streaming down my face. I stand up abruptly and start pacing the room. I feel hot, too hot, like my body is on fire and I’m breathing through a straw. There isn’t enough air getting to my lungs. I’m on the verge of hyperventilating and Magdalena and Kai are staring at me with blatant concern and confusion, waiting for me to say something.
“Ken, what’s going on? You’re scaring me.” A tsunami of shame, overwhelming guilt, and panic starts to rage wildly in my chest. I inhale deeply and blow out a stuttered breath. I say itwith my back to him and my eyes closed. Because it’s the only way I can say it. The only way that feels safe.
“Your dad offered me money to have an abortion. He told me even if I decided to have the baby, to keep the money and leave you out of it.”
I turn back around to face them, and Magdalena’s face has gone stark white.
“No,” Kai looks at me incredulously. He’s shaking his head, adamant that this did not happen.
“Kai, I’m telling you the truth. And I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. But I didn’t know how to tell you. I knew your reaction wasn’t going to be good.” He’s sitting on the couch looking straight ahead, not making eye contact with either of us. Shock. He is in shock. His hand is covering his mouth while he shakes his head.
“No, no. He wouldn’t do this. I mean, I know it’s my dad and he’s not the warmest guy. But he wouldn’t dothis. He loves me.” He’s staring at me now, awaiting confirmation. I think his dad did care about him in his own selfish, complicated way. I also know, all too well, that his father had done this terrible thing and that it could potentially destroy his relationship with Kai. Both things could be true and they aren’t mutually exclusive. He looks younger now, terrified. Like the scared, angry teenage version of himself he had worked so long and so hard to banish. Like this information could break him. I don’t want to break him and I don’t want to lose him. Not when I just got him back.
“Perhaps we should all take a moment to just breathe, process what Kendall has shared,” Magdalena suggests. For a second, I forgot she was even in the room. I sit back down on the couch, but Kai won’t look at me and I don’t blame him.
“I want both of you to take some slow deep breaths. In your nose and out your mouth, let’s try and ground ourselves,” she instructs. I do what she asks and so does Kaireluctantly. Inhaling deeply for four counts, holding my breath for seven counts, and exhaling forcefully for eight. Just like we’ve practiced. “Now Kendall, why don’t you explain from the beginning what happened with Kai’s father. Let’s give Kai the opportunity to ask questions and clarify things.”
I rub my hands together and start picking at my nails while I recount one of the most painful days of my life. “Kai and I had been arguing about my clinic appointment, for the abortion. He wanted to drive me and I wanted to go alone. His dad showed up later that day before the appointment. He said he knew about the baby—"
“Wait, how could he have known? I didn’t tell him and I’m positive my mom doesn’t know. She would have told me,” he cuts in.
“I’m not sure, maybe he saw your phone or heard us talking. I have no idea. But he knew somehow. And he didn’t want you to know that he came, that he knew about the baby. He said if I loved you, I wouldn’t destroy your future or your career. He wrote me a check for 10,000 dollars, Kai.”
He’s looking at me, tears brimming his eyes. “And what did you do? What did you say to him?” he demands.
“I screamed at him to get out of my apartment. I told him I would figure it out without his money and he left. I never heard from him again. And I moved to North Carolina a week later.”
“I just can’t believe he would do something like this,” he whispers while rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.