“Colin?”
“Right, listening. Sorry.”
“Look,” he said, reaching up to coil his hand around the back of my neck and squeeze. “I don’t know a lot about what’s going on, but there’s some things I do know. If this was just some weird wires in my head short-circuiting thing, it’s either changed my brain for good or it’s lasting a long ass time. Because I look at you, and I see someone I want to kiss because I know he’s upset, and that makes him happy. And yeah, I see someone I want to touch, someone I want to see naked and spread out onmy bedsheets. I want to hear you gasping and moaning. I want to fuck you until we’re both stupid.”
“Keep talking like that and you’re going to find it difficult to finish what you’re trying to say,” I said, swallowing hard. “I can say I firmly believe you’re still intensely sexually attracted to me. Consider that point made.”
“Good,” he said with a shake of his head. “And I also know I like having you around, irritating the shit out of me, making your stupid jokes and those idiotic comments. I like seeing you laugh at those jokes, and I like watching you work, watching the same hands that do things to me keep someone steady while you treat them, or sewing, which makes sense and everything, but it’s still funny to see.”
“Stitches, sewing, you know,” I said, leaning into his touch.
“And I know it was an accident the first time we fell asleep in bed together. And the way you almost ran out of the cabin at dawn, not a goddamn stitch of clothing on, was hilarious,” he said with a shake of his head.
“You called me an idiot.”
“It was a stupid thing to do. But it made me smile for the rest of that morning. But I remembered what it was like that first time, to wake up and see you sprawled in my bed, snoring softly, lying in the sunrise…and it was like,” he shook his head. “It reminded me of the first time I felt I could love Mona. It was so long ago I forgot the feeling of waking up and seeing someone at their most vulnerable, so soft and…innocent. And feeling my heart trip over itself the way it did that morning with you. I reached out and touched your cheek and you…leaned into it.”
Sort of like I was doing then. “So that’s why you kept letting me get away with sneaking some sleep in your bed. You’ve been loving it…wait?—”
“Sorry, bringing her up made a point, not?—”
“No, no,” I said, shaking my head. “We’re moving past that, right on past that, actually. You said it reminded you of the first time youcouldlove Mona…you felt that for me?”
He took a deep breath, and I didn’t see regret on his face, but the look of a man who was ready to pitch forward and take the plunge off a cliff into unknown waters. “Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. I looked at you and realized that if we kept going, if you kept…being you, I was going to go further and further into that feeling. And…last night, while I sat there…in time out,” he said the last with a grumble. “I realized I didn’t want to stop. So no, Colin, I didn’t sleep with my ex-wife. Our relationship has been over for a long time, and last night…it shouldn’t have happened. Especially if she was…Jesus.”
I snorted. “She was definitely thinking it.”
“I don’t want her,” he told me, running his thumb over my jaw. “I want you. And I don’t care if that pisses her off. And I don’t care if the guys give us shit or get pissed themselves. I’m not…doing anything wrong, being with you, because it’s not like that. Hell, you keep me in line more than I keep you in line.”
“The power of a fine ass,” I said with a smile, kissing his hand.
“You’re an idiot,” he said with a shake of his head. “But…I guess that’s what I’m willing to sign up for. What about you?”
“Am I willing to sign up for being with my grumpy asshole of a boss who treats laughter like it’s a sin most of the time? The one who acts like I and everyone else around him who cares for him are the most annoying creatures to poison his existence?”
“Mmm, that’s, uh…nicer than the way I would have described it.”
“The one who knows how to make me happy because I know he’s actually fond of all of us and he tries to hide it, but he’s really bad at it, especially with me. The guy who’s a great lay, but even more so, a great cuddler,” I said and laughed when he squintedat me. “Seriously. You like…bundle me up and hold me like you want to make sure I don’t get away. It’s so sweet.”
“Hearing someone call me sweet…or anything I do as sweet is…” He frowned. “Not sure I like that.”
I wiggled up against him. “I think you do.”
“If I say no, will you revoke privileges?”
“If I don’t let you lie to me about something harmless, will I revoke ass access?”
“We need a list of bannable phrases and words.”
I laughed. “You like it, just admit it.”
“I like that you seem to think it’s sweet,” he said, and I sighed.
Ah, well, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
“I can’t promise anything,” he said softly, looking down at our hands.
“I’m not asking you to promise me anything,” I told him with a scowl. “We’re both damn near old enough to know that making promises when you’re still figuring shit out is asking for trouble. Look…do you want to try this thing with me, wherever it might lead? Like, genuinely, truly, do you want that?”