Something shifted in her expression, the faintest loosening around her eyes.
“But it doesn’t matter.”
The loosening stopped.
“None of it fucking matters.” My voice came out flat. Final. It was the voice I used to close negotiations and end conversations that had no further use. “The why of it. The how. The grief you carry. The griefIcarry.” I looked at her. “None of it changeswhat you are. None of it changeswhat you did. None of it changesthe choices you made. None of it changeswhy you’re here. And none of it changes the fact that you lied to me repeatedly.”
She held very still.
“Might I remind you that when you found out what I was: a woman, you kept that information from your king just as I did.”
I felt heat begin to burn me at her response, at the fact that she dared to spell out a truth I’d already spelled out to myself a dozen times. “Because I believed that to be the extent of your lies! I believed you when you told me you were here only to support Arthur with your magic. I had no idea about the rest of it!”
“I lied to you because I had to lie to you,” she continued in a soft voice that was bereft of apology. Her admission did something to me: it was suddenly like kerosene dumped on thefires of my own internal inferno. “If you’d known the truth, you would’ve killed me.”
“Yes,” I nodded immediately. “If I’d known you were Merlin’s agent, come to kill my king—”
“—I had more than one chance to murder Arthur.”
Yet she never had. I’d reminded myself of that particular point numerous times as well.
“That doesn’t matter. It’s everything else that does.”
Her jaw tightened, and I knew that was all she’d give me. She wouldn’t cry. She wouldn’t yell. She wouldn’t beg for me to understand her or beg for me to forgive her. All she’d give me was that small muscle working beneath her cheek.
“I stood at Edwyn Cole’s bedside,” I continued, mainly because I couldn’t stomach the encroaching silence between us. “And I made him a promise.” It was a point I’d replayed in my mind countless times because it was the only point that allowed my decision to be bathed in black and white, right and wrong. “I’ve kept every oath I’ve ever made. Every single one. This will be no different.” I straightened and took another step back from the bars.
“Then you’re incapable of seeing what happened in Eldenvale from my perspective?”
“I’ve seen it from your perspective, as I mentioned earlier.” I paused, seeing the weight of hope suddenly shining in her eyes. “I understand why you did what you did. I understand that my men were wrong for putting your parents to death. But even though I can understand it, it still doesn’t change anything. You still... you... are dead to me.”
Something moved behind her eyes. Something fast and something hurt. But then it was gone before I could place it.
“Were I in Arthur’s place,” I continued, needing to seal the tomb so whatever love had lived between us would be sealed from the light of day forever. I cleared my throat. “I would havealready ended this. There would have been no deliberation, no offers to be made. There would have been no waiting.” I held her gaze for what I intended to be the last time. “I would have had you executed without further thought.”
She said nothing, but I would never forget the expression in her eyes. I turned from the bars because I couldn’t look at her any longer.
“Lance.”
My name in her mouth stopped me cold. I didn’t turn around.
“This is the last time I’ll speak to you of this,” I continued. “As far as I’m concerned, you’re nothing and no one. What’s more: I regret everything that passed between us.”
Then I started forward once more, having said everything I needed to say, everything I’d come to say. But her voice caught me again before I reached the door.
“I know,” she said quietly. “I know what I did to you.”
The torchlight threw my shadow long against the door before me. I said nothing; I couldn’t find the words, and it was just as well, for there was nothing left to say. I reached forward and lifted the latch.
“I’m sorry for it,” she added.
I walked through the door and away from her without another word, without turning back. I didn’t stop until I reached the stairs and reached the darkness that had the decency to feel like what it was.
-LANCE-
When I returned to my quarters, I stood in the dark and let my eyes adjust to the shadows as I looked at my hands. They were steady enough when I held them flat, but the moment I let them hang loose at my sides, they started up again. A fine tremor, something barely visible, the kind of shaking no one would ever see unless they were looking.
I was looking.