Isa squeezed her eyes tightly shut, willing herself to sleep. It felt as though she’d lain here for hours, waiting for slumber that just wouldn’t come.
She didn’t want to think anymore. Her thoughts were jumbled and confusing, and no matter where they started, they always ended in the same place.
Robbie was going to leave her. He’d told her so. Told her his time here with her was coming to an end.
She should be overjoyed. That had always been her goal, to be alone. From the moment she’d been old enough to consider the possibility, being alone had meant freedom and a peaceful existence to her. It was all she had ever wanted.
Until Robbie showed up.
Somewhere in the short time since she’d met him she’d started to want more. To dream new dreams. Dreams of a man to love her. Dreams of having children of her very own.
Impossible dreams.
Now the thought of being alone just felt... lonely.
She turned over to her side, jerking at the too-big night dress that tangled around her feet. How was she supposed to sleep in this enormous gown the maids had left on the bed for her use? The pillow felt as lumpy as if someone had stuffed parts of the bird in along with its feathers. And the bed. She didn’t even want to consider how long it might have been since someone had washed the bed coverings.
She was miserable and uncomfortable and lying in filth. And on top of all that, she was despairingly lonely, knowing those things she wanted most in life, those things that others took for granted as their right, she would never have.
No wonder she couldn’t force herself to sleep!
Outside, the moan of the wind turned to a whistling howl, ominously rattling the wooden shutters as if demons were trying to claw their way into the room.
There were demons out there beyond her walls, all right. Her emotional demons. The demons of her unfulfilled wants and desires.
Enough of this! She couldn’t allow herself to wallow in this pool of pity. It wouldn’t do her, or anyone else, the least bit of good.
So he’d said he was going to stay and now he wasn’t. It was all the same to her. His change of heart simply meant she could continue to do whatever she pleased, whenever she wanted. That had been her plan, after all—to drive him away. Besides, what Robbie MacQuarrie did made not the least bit of difference in how she lived her life.
Or did it?
She sat up in bed and gazed over at the fireplace, at the bundle of covers where Robbie slept.
Had it been only days ago that she’d watched as he bathed in the mountain pool beyond her cottage?
Watched and wanted.
She’d denied herself any possibility of experiencing what went on between a man and a woman because she feared that once she’d been intimate with Robbie, she’d lose her freedom. He would never leave.
But that was when she’d thought he intended to stay. Now she knew that wasn’t the case. He would be going. Soon. He’d told her so.
Once. Just once. If she missed this chance, she would likely never have another opportunity. And he was so beautiful, inside and out.
She loosed the tie on her hair and worked at freeing her braid while she stared at his unmoving form, considering her options.
What was there to stop her?
He could refuse her. She knew nothing at all about the art of attracting a man. He could reject her when she offered herself. Though from the heated gazes he’d sent her way she found that result unlikely.
What if he didn’t reject her and she conceived a child?
Her breath did a little hitch, as if her heart had missed a beat.
She could imagine only one outcome more desirable than that. A man to love her and a child in her arms was her heart’s secret desire. To find even half of that fantasy would be heaven.
Tossing her covers aside, she swung her feet around and slid off the high bed. A shiver raced through her body as her toes met the cold stone floor.
“Robbie?” she called, barely more than a whisper.