“How do you handle him being gone?” I spit out.
She chuckles. “I take it Ridge is with Wolf on whatever adventure they have set out on?”
“I guess so, yeah. I thought it was fine, but now I’m at home by myself, and it feels so empty. My nerves are shot waiting for my phone to ding, letting me know he’s okay or worse, dead. I don’t think I’m built for this,” I admit.
“Breathe,” she tells me. “In for four and out for another four. They are going to be fine. Our men know what they are doing. This is the life they chose, and we chose to live it with them. They don’t need us freaking out over every little thing.”
“I get that, but how? How are you so calm?” I ask.
She sucks in a breath. “I think it might be a little different for me. Wolf and I went through something terrible together. We trauma-bonded in a way that should have never happened, but it did. We grew from that place. So when he is out on his rides, I worry, but I know he is capable of taking care of himself because he saved me.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you go back there,” I say softly.
“Nonsense. It happened. It’s part of my life. I’m done shying away from it. Maybe we should add Maggie to this call. Give me a second.”
The line goes silent as I chew on my lip. I get what she said. She trusts her man. Do I trust mine?
Yes. I do.
Still, that fear is there.
The fear that something could happen to him. That I could truly end up alone.
When Maggie comes on the line, I have myself on the brink of a panic attack.
“Hey, Rain. You doing okay, honey?” Maggie asks.
“No. I am freaking out, and I need someone to talk me off a ledge,” I hiss out.
“Okay, then let me tell you something. As an old lady, people think we should be tough. We can’t show emotions. We cannot feel fear. That’s not true, though. We feel all of those things, and guess what? It’s natural. We are only human. When Panther goes out, I worry the entire time he is gone. He is the president. He is arguably the biggest target in the club. What if someone takes a shot at him? I could lose him. Then where would that leave me?”
She is echoing my own feelings, making my own panic crawl under my skin.
“Is that supposed to help?” Aspen asks.
“Let me finish.” Maggie sighs. “We are allowed to feel those things, but our men need us to be strong. If they think that we are sitting here suffering, it would not only distract them on the run, but it might mean they don’t want to go in the first place. We need them to have their minds in the game. So we send them out the door with a kiss and a ‘Be safe.’ Then we sit here, and we distract ourselves. I’ve taken up crocheting. While he is gone, I put on a mindless show, and I crochet. Or I meet up with you guys. Or I go shopping. Anything to keep my mind off what he might be doing. Then, when he comes home, I show him how much I appreciate him being home.”
I take a deep breath in and think about what she’s said.
“What do you do, Aspen? When he’s gone?” I ask.
“I hadn’t thought about it, but I guess Maggie is right. I play video games until he gets home. I don’t think I realized I was distracting myself, but I guess I was.”
“Okay, so I need a hobby. Not reading. I’ve been trying that, and my mind can’t focus,” I mutter.
“Do you want us to come over? I really don’t mind,” Maggie offers.
It’s right there on the tip of my tongue. I want to say, “Yes, come save me from this.” I don’t, though, because they are right.
If I want to be with Ridge long term, then I need to figure this out for myself.
“No. I think I will go to the store and see if anything speaks to me. Thank you, though,” I tell them.
“Anytime,” Maggie says.
“What she said,” Aspen adds.
As we hang up, I grab my keys. There is something I have always enjoyed doing. Could it be my hobby to keep my mind off things?