Dad lies there peacefully, looking like he’s sleeping. When I get to his side, I rest my hand on his chest, begging to feel his ragged breathing.
Nothing.
Nothing but silence and my cries.
I fall into the chair next to the bed and bury my face into his side as I cry.
He’s gone. Truly gone.
This shouldn’t be happening. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
A thousand emotions rush through me all at once.
I don’t know how long I cry, but the next thing I remember is the sound of feet shuffling toward me.
“Rain, it’s time,” Nurse Sanchez says gently.
Raising my head, I look over and see two men staring at me with sympathy in their eyes.
“Hi, Rain. We’re sorry for your loss,” one of them says.
“Thank you,” I tell them robotically.
“We are from the funeral home. Take your time saying your goodbyes. When you are done, we will take him. In the meantime, we will be waiting in the living room,” the same man says.
I nod at him as I turn back to my father.
As they walk away, I look at him.
He looks good.
As fucked up as it is to admit it, it’s true. For the first time in a year, his face isn’t clouded with pain. He looks truly at peace.
I just wish he would have been at peace and here with me still.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here, Daddy,” I rasp.
Bowing my head, I think about all the things that we never got to do. We never got to go to the Grand Canyon together, like we had talked about. He never got to walk me down the aisle. We won’t ever get to go to Sturgis again and make fun of all the girls throwing themselves at the bikers. He will never get to meet his grandchildren if I ever decide to have them.
Letting go of him, I press my face into my hands.
This is fucked up.
I’m alone.
The thought hits me like a freight train, stealing my breath.
I’m all alone. No family left. It’s just me, myself, and I.
Fresh tears start to roll down my face at the realization.
Sure, I have the club, but they will only stick around out of obligation. Eventually, they will fade from my life.
Just like everyone else.
Oh god.
Just when I think it can’t get much worse, it does.