I know it’s because I’m single for the first time in a while, and my mind can’t help playing what-if the way it did when I was a young girl in the first blush of a raging crush that only seems to have gotten worse with time.
Keeping in line with that frame of thought, my family, especially my brothers, seems to have some kind of underlying scheme going on between them. It was subtle at first, or I was too preoccupied in the beginning, but since yesterday, I’ve noticed that in every other conversation, they just seem to casually dropJulius’s name for no reason other than to annoy the shit out of me.
I pretend not to hear them or let on that just the mere mention of his name makes my heart thump. I have enough on my plate as it is without that mind fuck. But as much as I try telling myself that it’s just my imagination, that I was the only one stuck on Julius Blair, which made it seem like everyone else was as well, I can’t quite shake the feeling that they’re up to something.
I was almost convinced the next afternoon when Dad interrupted my pool time to send me on an errand, something he has never done as far as I can remember. “I’m sorry, baby; I know you’re relaxing, but it’ll just take a few minutes to run there and back.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to ask where his assistant was, but the memory of him coming to my room at night to tuck me in as if I were back to being a toddler again stopped my tongue from moving. Both he and Mom have been amazing since dragging me home. I can’t repay them by accusing one of them of selling out his own kid.
Just to make a point, I didn’t even gloss my lips, nor did I change out of the ratty cargo pants and oversized tee I pulled on over my bikini, and I barely stopped long enough to push my feet into some slippers before sailing out the door. Just in case he thought he was going to get a new son-in-law out of his little errand.
I made sure the bun on the top of my head was as miserable as it could be, with strays straggling the side of my face. I was sweaty and hot from sitting in the sun, and I know it shows. There won’t be any love matches today, Dad.
Look at this; they’ve finally caused me to lose my damn mind. What the hell am I even thinking? And why am I so fixated on Julius Blair after all these years? It can’t just be the timingof everything; this feels like something else, something more, something…deeper.
I don’t believe in coincidence, but if this is fate, that shit is kicking my ass. Why would fate want us to meet now, of all times? Why did every feeling about him that I had beaten into submission in the last few years come roaring back as if they had never left?
I started to get twitchy as soon as I pulled into the parking lot of the upscale business address. I didn’t stop to admire the architecture like I usually would because I was here to be a menace, just on the off chance that this jackass even thinks for one second that I’m trying to get close to him.
JULIUS
I’d barely had enough warning with the phone call from her father when she came waltzing into my office. I’m a hundred percent certain she was hoping to have the opposite effect on me in that getup. I can read her well enough to know that she thinks her disheveled look would put me off, but the truth is, she could wear a gunnysack, and I’d still want her.
Fine, I’d spent the last few days and maybe longer nights thinking about her, me…us. It’s as if I’d finally hit a wall, and there was nowhere to run. If there’s one thing I am, it’s true to myself. I’m my biggest critic and instigator. I admitted that, in the beginning, she was too young. I admitted that I never thought of her as anything other than a cute kid for all the time I had known her.
Even after she made her first declaration of love, I’d put it out of my mind and brushed it off as teenage angst and all that comes with it. I’d seen her sporadically over the years since then, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Until that night, that last night, when I crushed her soul before walking away.
I accept that I’ve been running from her, from what I think she represents, all along. You see, the reason I am so sure that she could destroy me is because of what I like to call the familycurse. It’s some crazy belief in certain parts of my ancestry that the men of our blood will know their mate on sight.
There’s a whole lot more that goes into it, and some people have stronger reactions than others, things of that vein. I always thought it was a myth since I never felt any of that with any of the women I’ve chosen to spend time with. I started to give it some thought a few years ago when my younger brother lost his mind over his now wife.
There’s a little bit of it, I guess, in my parents, but they’re older and way too reserved in front of us kids for me to get a real feel the way I did with Roman and Victoria. I saw firsthand what that lightning bolt Dad used to tease us about could do to an otherwise rational man.
And the reason I know she’s it is because of the things I see when I look at her. I’d been pushing all of this out of my mind to preserve my own sanity. I’d given myself every excuse in the book for why things happened the way they did between us. But after seeing her that night, my mind has been like a dog with a bone.
My own conscience beat the shit outta me to the point that I had no choice but to sit back and face reality. Again, she’s the first and only person who has made me lie to myself and for so long. I’m so scared of her that I was willing to fool myself for the rest of my life.
In my head, if the betrayal I’d faced in my first relationship had affected me the way it did, and I wasn’t even genuinely in love, then what would a betrayal from this mythical soul mate of mine do to me? It’s not something I was willing to risk.
And so, when I got that first inkling that she was the one, I made it a point never to be in her presence again. I strategically avoided any and all chances of a run-in. The few times that didn’t work were some of the worst nights of my life. It wouldtake me days to get over that feeling of being punch drunk when I hadn’t had a drink.
Even that, I explained away in my feeble mind and called it something else. Even my reaction upon hearing that she was shacking up with some piece of shit, I stored away as natural. Yeah, it’s natural for an uninvolved member of society to put his fist through a wall because the chick he wouldn’t give the time of day was sleeping with someone else.
After that, it’s been years since I allowed myself to think about her. If my physical relationships with women had tapered off tremendously, that could be attributed to my work ethic. It had nothing to do with me thinking that the less people I slept with, the less sex she would be having with him.
Besides, it paid off. All those extra hours that I would’ve been spending with some chick that wasn’t going to get past my radar were spent working and building something I love with my own hands. I haven’t even thought about her in too long to remember. But it all came rushing back at the first sight of her.
It was as if the years hadn’t gone by, and that horrible night didn’t exist between us. At least, that’s what I felt for the first few seconds. But then that built-in defense kicked in, and I was back to wanting no part of her.
That held up pretty well for the first night or so, but then the nagging began, and there was no escaping my own thoughts. Every argument that did me well in the past was shot down before the words were completely formed. I pushed back as hard as I could until sheer exhaustion made me give in.
No, even that’s a lie. It wasn’t just exhaustion; it was the sense of knowing that it was pointless to run this time around because, this time, I didn’t put up my walls fast enough since the run-in was so unexpected. Somehow, she snuck in under my guard, and I had to admit to myself, for the first time, that I wanted her.
I spent these last few days fighting that want, trying to bring myself back under control, and all it took was one phone call to knock down all my barriers again. I’d barely heard her name before my heart started doing that crazy shit it does where she’s concerned, and by the time his words that she was on her way here registered, I was in full cardiac breakdown.
And now, here she is, standing in front of me, looking as grungy as I’ve ever seen her, and all I can see is that fucking light around her as my heart tries beating me to death. This is bullshit, all fucking bullshit. A man should be free to choose his mate. Why should I be a part of this game that I had no say in?
I don’t want to lose my damn mind over this twit, and I know for damn sure…