I just feel the weight of his arm. Just warmth. He was so close to making me fall head over heels, clumsily dancing into this whirlwind with him. Despite the alcohol. Despite the jealousy. I wanted to. God, Iwantto. Butthatwhirlwind of emotion is fast, and I can’t see through the debris, and when I get a glimpse I see Erik.
Then I see Konnor judging me for what I let Erik do to me, for what I sometimes sort out just so I wasn’t alone in this world. I see disgust on Konnor’s face. Feel shame in places that already hurt.
I have an answer to the question that was knocking around inside me, the one I pretended had no truth.Yes, it is wrong. The thing between Erik and me is wrong, but I don’t know which parts to cut or when the wrong started and when it should end.
Or if it’s too late.
I still feel a pull towardsitand him. Konnor said that Erik raped me, and I didn’t correct him, but that isn’t the entire truth, is it? Or I would feel… more? Or hurt more. Rape victims know they have been raped, right?
Ugh.
I’m such a mess.
We finished Liz and Deakon's story yesterday together. It was the best day of my life. I thought it yesterday, over and over. This is best day of my life. I meant it. I really did. But then he drifted off and slurred into the dark, "I love you, Liz."
And there it is.
Erik has never once looked at me and seen someone else. He has been so relentlessly, suffocatingly precise about who I am to him it feels like everything he said to me is true. That only he understands. That only he sees me.
I hate that my mind goes there, so I ram it down into the pit of my belly where all the bits of Erik live, the brother bit, the loverbit, the abuser bit, the wrong bits, and the right ones—all the pieces that are him wrapped into a neat ball down there and I can’t have one without the others.
Konnor is so sure of everything. His certainty should feel like safety, and yesterday, for a moment, it did, but then he says Liz, and I wake up. His certainty feels like a wall I will eventually hit at full speed.
I turn to gaze at his face.
I don't want to be loved for his idea of another person. Not one that I let go. Not one that kept a boy locked in a cage for four years and treated him like a dog. Erik knows this about me. Konnor doesn't yet.
His eyes move under his lids, maybe dreaming. His mouth twitches. I stroke his cheek and he leans into it slightly, still asleep. I run my fingers through his hair and study the exact shade, blonde and brown. His cheeks are stubbly. I like them like that. There is a frown on his face that keeps returning no matter how many times I smooth it away with my thumb. I know who he is dreaming about.
I know her name.
I slide out from the bed.
In the kitchen, I find a notepad, and I stand at the counter for a long time before I uncap the pen and begin to write.
Konnor,
I gave you One Day.
Our day.
The truth is I don’t believe you will ever understand…
I stop.
I cross it out so hard that the pen tears the page slightly, so I grab another piece.Ugh.
I start again.
Dearest Konnor,
Being with you is like living in a dream. Every moment we are together, I feel like someone else. You are everything I dreamed you'd be and then some. And most nights I did dream about you. Your life is beautiful and warm, just like you. There is nothing stopping you now from being everything you want to be. How you have turned into this man... You are a miracle. You're my hero boy, Konnor!
I’m so proud.
If I could be what you want me to be, I would, but I am not. I’m broken inside and I can barely manage to be a complete, social person. You deserve someone who can flourish with you in your amazing life, with your amazing friends and family. You don't have to have drama in your world anymore, Konnor. You are free of it! You got out! I didn't, and I come with too much baggage.
I am not her. Please accept that. It took me years to break away from her so I could live the remnants of a normal life, but when I am with you, she is all around us. She is in every look you give me. In every smile. You see her. Not me.