He barrelled on for the sake of covering his mistake. ‘Are you OK? You looked .?.?. genuinely panicked when I first saw you. I actually considered hitting him.’
‘You did not,’ Hannah said, laughing again. ‘Yes, I’m OK. Thank you for stepping in, though. It was .?.?. good of you.’ He could tell she meant it, and her gratitude warmed him.
‘I’d have done it for anyone,’ Jude said. It was the truth, and yet it wasn’t. The red mist that had descended when he saw how Marc was advancing on Hannah wouldn’t have had the same potency if it had been any other woman against the wall. Yes, he’d have come to the aid of a stranger, but with a degree more objectivity – and a lot less blind rage.
‘Fingers crossed, that’s the last I’ll see of him,’ Hannah said.
‘Is that likely? He made rather a point of this not being the end.’
‘I suspect what he’s really bothered about is thatIdumpedhim,’ Hannah explained, ‘though he’s not been shy about showing off his “bleeding heart” on social media. Makes good content, it seems.’
‘I don’t understand,’ Jude said, confusion knitting his brows. ‘He’s big online? And what did he mean by “the song”?’
Hannah groaned and momentarily buried her face in her hands. ‘He used to be in a band,’ she said. ‘Lite Sky. They had quite a few hits—’
‘Oh mygod,’ Jude said. ‘I remember them! They were .?.?. terrible.’
Hannah cracked up. ‘They were. But he still performs,’ she explained. ‘He has a shedload of followers on TikTok and Instagram. Even plays the odd wedding, generally for die-hard fans. That’s how we met.’
‘Oh. On the subject of weddings .?.?.’ Jude began, throwing both hands up in an expansive ‘who’d have guessed’ sort of motion that indicated their surroundings. Hannah shook her head, a knowing smile on her face.
‘Yeah. Totally batshit, isn’t it?’
‘I think the technical term isfucking mental,’ Jude agreed, coming to stand with his back next to hers, so they both faced outward, towards the staircase. He realised too late that he could smell her perfume from where he’d settled. It was soft and sweet, but earthy – like the fragrance of clean, naked skin.Shit. He’d read something once about the power of olfactory memory; should have had the sense to stand a few inches further away.
He cleared his throat and went on. ‘Who decides to get married after only a few months, then hold the wedding within a fewweeks? Is it even possible to organise the thing at such short notice?’
‘I’ll get back to you on that,’ Hannah said wryly.
For a short, unguarded moment, she smiled at him, and time unspooled between them. They could be five years ago,tenyears ago, sharing a small confidence. Understanding each other in a way no one else did.
Jude shook himself. They were here. Now. Despite his support of Hannah this evening, everything they’d ever had was still shattered – and so far, nothing he’d done since coming back to the UK had helped repair it.
It was at this moment that he understood how badly he wanted to fix things; to salvagesomething, even if it was just the friendly ease they’d felt with one another a few moments ago. He’d thought he had accepted the permanent, total loss of her – made peace with the pain of it. It was a surprise to discover he still hoped for better.
‘Hannah,’ he said, voice suddenly serious. ‘I want to apologise for what happened with Clive. It wasn’t a thought-through thing, not telling him I knew you. It was .?.?. stupid. But in the split second I had to decide what I was going to say, I worried that any information I offered might make him ask for more. He’s an amazing man – so kind – but terminally interested in everyone. I couldn’t face an interrogation about .?.?. things.’
Hannah nodded. ‘I wouldn’t have wanted that either, to be fair. It was pretty insane of you to shake my hand like we’d never met, though. I wasn’t pleased.’
‘I got that. And I’m sorry. Truly. You .?.?. deserved better from me. Even under pressure.’
Hannah looked at him, her eyes searching – like she was trying to strip his words down for parts. Seeking to understand every possible layer of meaning in them.
‘I did deserve better,’ she said, after a minute. ‘But on this, apology accepted.’
She let go of a deep breath, then said: ‘God, this is weird.’ She waved a hand at the space between them, her nail-polished fingertips grazing Jude’s left arm. The accidental touch was a shock, even through layers of clothing – a sweet sort of sting that faded too fast.
‘I thought .?.?.’ She took another breath. Swallowed, like she was preparing to say something important. Jude’s heart skipped a beat. ‘I always thought that if I ever spoke to you again, I wouldeviscerateyou for ghosting me,’ Hannah said, her voice strained – like it might snap under the weight of her anger with him.
He didn’t blame her, exactly. He wasn’t proud of his snap decision to blank her; a choice that had rapidly revealed itself as irrevocable. But what had she thought would happen when she walked away from him and refused to look back? Had she expected they’d carry on WhatsApping each other funny cat memes from opposite sides of the globe? That they’d FaceTime and chat about work, or TV they’d watched, or the people they were seeing? Surely she couldn’t bethatnaive. That blind to how utterly she’d broken him.
He opened his mouth, not sure how to articulate any of this but seized by the urge to try. Before he could say anything, though, she carried on: ‘But I can’t do that, can I? Can’t let you have it with both barrels when we’ve got to be in a wedding together. And there’s no sense in raking up all the things that a therapist – thatJoe– might tell us we should talk about. Far too messy. We’re going to be around each other way too much to risk that over the next few months, and I have a job to do on behalf of people we both love. I can’t afford to screw it up because I’m pissed off at you – even though you deserve it.’
This was typical Hannah. Strong. Selfless. And, broadly speaking, he couldn’t argue with her logic.
There were things he might have thrown at her, too, if she’d been up for arguing about how they ended and what happened after. The fact that she’d never quite trusted him, no matter what he said or did. That she hadn’t believed how completely he loved her. Hadn’t loved him the same way.
With an effort that felt physical, he swallowed the questions he could feel climbing up his throat and said, ‘I suppose you’re right. For the sake of what’s happening now, we shouldn’t relitigate the past .?.?. however tempting it might be. We should commit to civil, sensible interactions only. Refrain from making any of this about us.’ He smiled, then.Making it about themhad never been his or Hannah’s speciality, and they both knew it.