He nods thoughtfully. ‘Are you planning on seeing him again?’
‘I know I should, but I’m not keen.’ Laurence and I move to the side of the path to let a couple of ramblers march past us, their hiking boots crunching over the gravel in military time.
‘Why aren’t you keen?’ he asks.
We start walking again, the ramblers already disappearing out of view.
‘Just, you know, the whole feeling-anxious-whenever-I’m-around-him thing.’
‘Hmm. Okay.’
There’s a beat of silence.
‘You think I should see him again, don’t you?’ I say, my pulse sliding up a gear.
‘Not necessarily. I’m just not sure how you can move forward in your life without resolving things with him one way or another. But you can do it in your own time. You don’t need to feel pressured by family or friends, or by him.’
I give a loud sigh. ‘I know Ishouldsee him. I know I’m not going to fix anything by ignoring him. But I just can’t get the wholeconspiracy idea out of my head. I can’t help thinking I’m talking to an imposter. Which I know is ridiculous.’
We walk in silence for a while and I wonder if Laurence is waiting for me to say something else. Finally, he responds. ‘Okay, so there is one thing you could do when you get back home. One thing that could help you try to make sense of things ...’
My stomach flip-flops with nerves. Ever since the wedding, every time I talk to someone, I feel like I’m tiptoeing through a war zone. Every conversation is laden with landmines and sniper fire. Any suggestion or new information could trigger me. I trust Laurence, I really do, but it doesn’t stop me feeling terrified at what he’s about to say. Making our way down the path back towards our cars, I tell myself not to be so dramatic. Laurence is here to help me, not to shock or trip me up. I need to trust him. But it’s hard to trust anyone when I can’t even trust myself.
‘What’s your suggestion?’ I ask, reluctantly.
‘It’s just a little exercise that might help you clarify things,’ he replies.
‘Okay, but what is it?’
‘I think it could be helpful to think about whatyourSeth looks like, compared with the new Seth. Try to pinpoint the physical differences between the two. Maybe even do a couple of sketches of each of them, seeing as you’ve got no photos of your original Seth.’
‘Have you seen my drawing skills?’ I reply, trying to sound lighter than I feel.
‘This isn’t about being the next da Vinci,’ he says with a smile. ‘It’s just an exercise that might be helpful. You don’t have to do a sketch; you can make a list of their features if you prefer. Or write down a description of each face.’
‘Hmm. Okay. I’ll give it a go.’ I’m not sure what the purpose of it is, but Laurence is the expert. He’s giving up his Saturday morning to help me, so the least I can do is try it.
‘Like I said, I think it might give you some clarity. Then we can make another date to meet up.’
‘Great, okay. Thank you. It’s honestly been such a relief to be able to talk like this. You don’t know how much lighter I feel.’
‘Come here.’ He gives me a hug. ‘You know I’m always here for you, Alice.’
We break apart and carry on walking.
‘There’s one other thing I didn’t tell you,’ I say, my heart beating faster as I remember last night.
Laurence doesn’t reply, just quirks an eyebrow at me.
‘I was walking to Hibiscus to meet Daisy, and I thought I saw Damian.’
Laurence freezes.
I stop and turn.
‘You saw Damian?’ His face clouds over. ‘Damian Carter?’
‘Well, that’s the thing. I might have been mistaken. It was dark when he walked past me. He caught my eye and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. But then he just kept on walking and I realised it probably wasn’t him. Just someone who looked similar.’