‘Okay, you’re right, we should have talked about it first. But we didn’t, and I made a mistake. I’m sorry, okay?’
He doesn’t sound sorry. He sounds annoyed.
‘The thing is,’ I say, stacking the empty plates, ‘I don’t want them turning into spoilt brats, thinking they can have tantrums and we’ll cave in. And I also hate the fact that I look like the bad guy.’
‘You don’t look like the bad guy.’ Robert frowns.
‘Yes, I do.’ I straighten up and face him. ‘You know I do. You and Sadie are the lovely ones who let them have fun and treats, and I’m the evil, witchy mother.’
‘Now you’re being ridiculous.’
‘Am I?’ I fold my arms across my chest, staring at my husband across the kitchen table, willing him to understand how I’m feeling.
‘Eva was all over you just now, apologising to you and hugging you,’ Robert says, trying to appease me.
‘Yes, but she’s changed lately. She’s not the gentle little girl she’s always been.’ I lower my voice. ‘And I don’t think it helps having Sadie here.’
‘What? What’s this got to do with Sadie? Anyway, she was the one who found Eva today. If it wasn’t for her, we’d probably still be out searching.’
I shake my head, angry at my husband’s stubborn refusal to see that something else might be going on here. ‘I don’t know. There’s something off about her. I can’t put my finger on it. And calling you “Rob” the other day – what was all that about?’ My mind flashes back to them sitting at the kitchen table together, sharing a bottle of wine.
Robert’s eyes widen. ‘I didn’t even notice. Anyway, lots of people call me Rob. I don’t mind.’
‘It just feels weird, when I don’t call you that, butshedoes.’ I try to damp down the corrosive burn of jealousy in my chest, but it won’t go away.
‘Now you’re being silly.’
I know what I’m saying sounds petty and silly, but it doesn’t make it any less true. I don’t know how to get Robert to see what I’m seeing. As I voice the worries that have been bubbling under the surface for days, they seem to become more real, more urgent. ‘I think we’re relying on her too much. We should cut back on her hours.’
‘Sorry, Gem, but if you didn’t work such long hours we wouldn’t have needed Sadie in the first place.’
I grit my teeth and yank out a chair from beneath the table, sitting down heavily. ‘Okay, so now we’re getting to it.’
‘Sorry.’ He raises his hands. ‘I shouldn’t have said that.’
‘But it’s what you think?’
‘No. No, it’s not.’ He sits opposite me and steeples his fingers. ‘I just think we’ve had a stressful morning and we should probably not talk about stuff like this when we’re so… emotional.’
‘You mean whenI’mso emotional?’ He’s not wrong though. My heart is racing and the blood is hot in my veins.
‘No, that’s not what I mean. Jeez, you’re impossible to talk to sometimes!’ He gets to his feet once more, paces the room, running a hand through his hair.
I know Robert hasn’t done anything malicious. He hasn’t purposely undermined me. But I wish he would see things from my point of view sometimes. That it’s bloody hard work being the breadwinner and the perfect mother and the perfect wife. That sometimes it takes its toll and sucks my energy reserves dry. That seeing Sadie and Robert being so wonderful and laid-back about everything highlights all my inadequacies.
‘Once the entry test is over, we need to ask Sadie to leave,’ I say. ‘Go back to how we were before.’
‘That’s a bit drastic!’ Robert says. ‘And I think it would be a mistake. She takes the pressure off you, Gemma. She’s good for our family. I thought you felt the same way?’
I shake my head, suddenly emotionally drained, and decide to drop it for now. But I’m not happy. I’ve decided – I don’t want Sadie Lewis in my home any more.
Thirty-Eight
Everyone is out at school and work this morning and I’m sipping my morning coffee in the kitchen. It’s been almost a week since Eva ran away, but everything’s settled down again. Gemma was quite snippy with me last weekend, but she seems to have recovered from whatever it was she had her knickers in a twist about – probably Robert’s grand gesture of buying the girls phones. I couldn’t have planned that one better myself. I almost snorted with laughter at Gemma’s face when he announced that in front of everyone.
I finish my coffee and leave my mug on the kitchen table. I’ll come back and tidy up later. I have something else I need to do. Something important.
Things are going well with the Ballantines, but I need to up my game. They’re used to me now. Eva is doing well in her studies and I think Gemma is pleased with her daughter’s progress. I’m proving my worth. And I’ve been super helpful and lovely to Gemma all week. I haven’t let her see me anywhere near Robert. So I think I can afford to move things up a gear.